Technology dependency

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The other day I forgot my phone at home. I was going to be gone for about 6 hrs. And my phone was at home. I felt…lost.

I am usually able to chat all day with my husband and my daughter no matter where I am. God bless the cell phone.

I was taken back by how dependent I really am on this technology.

I can remember not having cell phones. I am from the generation that did not have this technology until adulthood. I recall using the corded landline phone as the communication device of my youth. We had to call and TALK on the phone. Texting wasn’t a “thing.”

Forgetting my phone for the day made me think and reflect on how different things are with all this technology. And I was shocked at how dependent we really are on these electronics.

Another person compared it to leaving the house without your shoes on.

I can’t help bit wonder what other advances will be made in my lifetime, and how they will affect us.

Note to self: remember your phone.

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A horrific surprise

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We have many pets. To be honest, we have 12. I won’t list them all here, because I try to keep this blog as anonymous as possible. I think if I listed all of them, I would be easier to identify.

But I am going to talk about two of my animals. I have two large breed rabbits. We have a very large fenced yard. I wanted large breed rabbits that could roam free during most of the year. In winter months I limit their space to keep closer tabs on them and be sure they are sheltered when weather is cold.

I bought both rabbits from a breeder. I got them a few months apart. But I specifically requested females. I wanted both to be girls so I didn’t have to pay for a spay or neuter, or worry about unplanned bunnies.

The older bunny I have had since March I believe. The younger joined us around July I think.

Today, I made a discovery. One of my rabbits is a male. How do I know? The other gave birth to SEVEN babies overnight. And, tragically, they didn’t survive.

I had no idea my girl was pregnant. I had no idea one of my girls was actually a boy. Had I known this mating had occurred I would have brought her in and gave her proper nesting materials. She did the best she could to make a little nest. But I think it was just too chilly for newborns, even in the shelter they have.

I was completely shocked to find these tiny pink babies. So shocked I refused for hours to accept that they were dead. I tried warming them, hoping to see a sign of life. But it wasn’t going to happen. They were all gone.

We have separated the two rabbits at this point. But, the female could indeed be pregnant again. They can mate within a few hours of the birth. At least this time I know and can keep an eye on her.

These two have always been together, and mating never crossed our minds because we were told both were girls. And since they were together so long without incident or indications that they were opposite sex rabbits, we were completely shocked. I can only guess that the younger, the male, reached sexual maturity in the last month.

I am so sad by the discovery of the babies that didn’t make it.

I love animals so much.

I hope if there are more next month we can be sure to help the momma have a successful birth and keep her babies alive. Poor momma rabbit.

We will have to figure out what to do about the male/female situation. Obviously we won’t be able to let them roam free together when weather improves. Ugh.

Coffee addiction

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In the last 7 yrs I have become quite addicted to coffee. I need my coffee before I can interact as a person. I realize it has become an issue and I need to stop drinking so much coffee.

It isn’t good for me anyway. As a migraine sufferer, I should be drinking coffee regularly. And I drink 2 or more cups per day!

I can’t just stop…my head would explode.

I have cut back to one cup in the morning. I am doing my best not to have a cup later in the day. I am mostly successful, but on occasion still require the extra boost it offers.

I never thought I would be a coffee drinker. But here we are…stucknwith a habit and caffeine addiction.

Wish me luck as I try to stop this…

Adult birthday parties

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Today I have to go to a 40th birthday party. I am a bit…perplexed when it comes to etiquette for an adult party.

Am I expected to bring a gift?

Am I expected to bring them liquor?

I really don’t know!!

I do not really understand adult birthday parties. Kids parties…heck yeah. They are usually themed or full of activities and fun. But what will we do at an adult party? We aren’t going to be playing games, or going bowling, or splashing in a pool. We will be standing around awkwardly saying, “Yay! You made it to 40, congrats!” I am sure there will be a lot of stupid old age jokes. and how it is all “downhill from here!”

I just don’t get it…my anxiety over this event is thru the roof!

I will likely hang with the kids…cuz they are my comfort zone.

My first psychic reading

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Whether you believe in psychics or not, I think the idea is intriguing. I have always been fascinated by the idea of seeing a psychic. I ised to watch Sylvia Brown and John Edward A LOT. They fascinated me.

Today, I had my first encounter with a psychic and my first reading.

It went alright. I have to be honest…I was skeptical.

I was told that I possess abilities but supress them. I have had many previous lives and am “old.” If I chose to embrace my abilities I could be doing reading within a year. I am not a beginner…I just need to open myself back up. That was my reading.

I do think I have some ability in this area. I have known when people died before being told. I just…felt it, even if it was unexpected. I have seen things before they happen. I have dreams that sometimes come true.

I don’t like to think of it as psychic though. Cuz, isn’t that taboo? Religion frowns on these types of ideas. I was raised with a religious foundation and values.

So embracing this type of thing would be difficult.

But as an adult, I feel more open to possibilities. My current challenge? My husband doesn’t believe in spiritual things like psychics.

Ah…do I try to open myself up? Or do I just forget about it?

Resolutions

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Like far too many people, I want to lose weight this year. By October I am hoping to lose 25-30 lbs.

The sad thing is that I have been at my goal. I had lost around 40 lbs in my early 30’s. I was back to my high school weight. It was awesome.

But, I am a girl who eats for comfort. I went thru 2 foster care adoptions, as well as foster losses, and I watched my father slowly die over a month in ICU. In the last 5 years, I am almost back to my heaviest weight.

I have a vacation planned for October. I want to be healthier and feel better about myself by then.

Fingers crossed that I stay motivated. This goal can be reached if I find the will power.

Here’s to a happy, healthier 2019.

Words that ring with truth

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*potentially triggering post regarding childhood trauma and predators*

Do you ever read a book or watch something on TV and there is a sentence that feels directed at you? Like the writer knew you needed to hear it. The writer knows your secrets and is calling you out.

I have felt that way a lot lately. Sentences leaping out at me with much more meaning than they should have. The temptation to acknowledge the way it feels directed at me…to talk about my innermost demons. But I don’t talk. The words echo in my mind. My responses are silently thought within myself, never gaining freedom from my thoughts.

Many of these thoughts are about secrets. Secrets kept to try to maintain my sense of normalcy. My sanity. My defense against truth that feels crushing. Secrets I have kept since childhood. Buried. But unearthed with all the predators in powerful positions making me remember…all that I struggle to forget.

Am I the only one who feels these words ring the truth in my innermost thoughts. Tempting me to unburden myself, and speak my truth. Knowing it will not help, but only hurt more when the words are spoken aloud.

Sometimes, I drop a hint or two, hoping someone will ask me what I meant. Or, more accurately, hoping someone will put the pieces together and confront me with the truth. Then I wouldn’t need to hide anymore. I wouldn’t have to pretend.

Until then, I will hear the echo of these phrases and words in my mind. I will wonder if anyone else feels they were targeted by the words, ringing so true in my head.

I am tired of secrets, but terrified of truth.

Genetics. Gift vs Curse

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I am genetically cursed with a tendency to be easily addicted to substances. Because I know this, I rarely drink, and I haven’t used illegal drugs. I also am very careful with prescription drugs that could be addictive.

Some genetics are like a curse. Others are like a gift. I was gifted with my fathers round face and small nose. My mom has a fairly large nose, so I am happy I got my father’s genetics when it comes to my face.

My daughter might see it as a curse or gift that she looks like me. I am not sure which way she would lean on that! But she does look a lot like me.

My middle son was gifted beautiful long eyelashes, and light eyes. Unfortunately, he was cursed with mood disorders, ADHD, and aybe even Tourette’s syndrome (which I will be having him evaluated for soon). He is also cursed with the genes for addiction. He was born with drugs in him, and endured withdrawl as an infant.

My youngest was gifted with beautiful hair. He is genuinely one of the cutest kids I have ever seen. His genetics have left him missing several adult teeth. We found this out at a recent dental visit. His baby teeth are still intact, but the X-rays show he will not have some adult teeth as he grows. They just never formed. He also suffers anxiety. His birthmom is schizophrenic. Tonight, he told me he is worried that someone else could get control of his brain. Dear God, don’t curse him with schizophrenia too. Please. I beg.

Finances, generous offers, and a bit of resentment

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I love having this blog as an outlet to share my feelings. I am not always good at communicating in the moment.

We recently found out our friends have to move from their rental home. The home has sold. They must move in approximately a month. Not much time to find another place, pack up a whole house, etc. I am worried for them.

Not only do they not have a lot of time, but they don’t have a lot of options either. They are not very financially stable. Their rental budget is low. Most home rentals are several hundred dollars out of their comfort zone. Even some apartment rentals are too much, and with 3 kids, an apartment setting would be difficult for them. Their credit score is low, so trying to buy a home is not an option.

On top of this, their vehicle that fits the whole family is not going to last much longer. They have no budget to replace the vehicle.

We are financially stable. Being who we are as people, our first instinct is to help.

My husband suggested maybe we purchase a cheaper home to rent to them. Maybe eventually, they could buy it from us? We had a specific home in mind. It was recently listed for sale for a low price, and it should be easy to resell in the future if needed. However, we found out the home already has an accepted offer after we had a few days of discussion between us and our friends.

The most shocking moment for me was when they indicated they didn’t think they would ever be interested in purchasing a 3 bedroom home, as they hope to add a 4th child in the next year or two.

This is where my generosity in helping took a huge pause to reevaluate. I love to help…truly. That said, if you aren’t trying to help yourself as I help, I am no longer helping. This becomes enabling. Enabling is not good for my friends or me. I am not interested in enabling them to continue down a path of financial instability. If you already have 3 children, cannot afford to buy a home, replace a vehicle, or even rent a big enough space in your budget, adding another child is not a responsible choice.

I love kids. I don’t want to sound like I am trying to decide their child limit. They love their kids and are great parents. But living paycheck to paycheck is scary and hard with children involved. Adding another when you are in this situation is something I cannot understand.

As we stress about their situation, and what we should or shouldn’t do to help, I start feeling frustrated.

I don’t do things I want because thi gs are expensive. Not that I cannot afford it…I just don’t often spend money on myself.

I have wanted Lasik eye surgery for years. Yet, I don’t feel like I can spend the 3k to do it. I could…financially the money is available. But I just don’t want to spend that much.

Yet, we considered buying another house for our friends with little hesitation.

So, I am feeling a bit annoyed. A bit resentful.

And this is why I am sort of relieved the home we were thinking of buying is not an option.

I was all for helping until I realized they were not going to be improving upon the situation. At that moment, when child 4 was mentioned, my genuine generous nature became resentment. I am not putting myself out there financially if true efforts to imlrove their position aren’t part of the plan.

I would rather spend the money in areas that I wouldn’t regret. Maybe I will get that lasik eye surgery I have wanted for many years.

Holiday anxiety and depression

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The holiday anxiety has begun. So has the depression.

I have so much to be thankful for, and happy about. My life, overall, is truly amazing.

It pisses me off that I can still manage to be depressed.

I have to try to remind myself that depression isn’t necessarily related to my current situation. It can happen to anyone at any time. But even though I know that, I still feel guilt for feeling depressed.

Most of these feelings center on the loss of my dad. When he was here, for the last 5 years I didn’t attend holiday functions. With 3 brothers, as adults, we don’t get along.

One brother refuses to remove his concealed weapon around family, and his wife accused us of fostering and adopting to “make money.” Oh, fellow foster and foster adopt families…I know you hear me on why I cannot look at that girl anymore! If she only knew what we go through!

Another brother finds it funny to make racial “jokes” around me and my kids. One of my children is biracial, another is of Mexican heritage. Although, to be honest, even before I had these kids I found this kind of talk from him intolerable. We have always clashed on his racist attitude.

So, we stopped being welcome at family functions. My parents wouldn’t simply have my brother leave the gun at home, or speak up to insist racial comments wouldn’t be tolerated.

It was deemed that I was the one with the problem. I missed a lot of time with my dad because of this.

Yet, as he died, I was the only one who made it to see him each day he suffered in the hospital.

We also don’t attend my father in-laws holiday functions anymore. He has never made us a priority in his life, and also voted for Trump. This felt extremely hurtful to our family.

So holidays for us, and for many others I am sure, brings on feelings of anxiety and depression.

To add to that, I still haven’t even begun wrapping gifts.

My daughter is home, and I feel like we aren’t doing enough to make the visit “special” for her. I am trying to make all her favorite meals, and spend time together. But I feel like I should be doing extraordinary things…but I don’t know what.

My middle son has escalated behaviors this time of year. That also brings about anxiety for me.

My youngest is also filled with anxiety, much of it related to my other son, and his behaviors.

We recently adopted another dog from a rescue. He is blind. Learning to manage training a blind dog is new to me. But he is doing well. But that added layer of anxiety is there. But I love this puppy so much, and wouldn’t change a thing.

The other added stress is our friends were just given notice to move from their rental home. They have just over 1 month to move. Their budget is small for a family their size. I don’t think they will find something in time that will be enough space. They aren’t able to buy right now.

My husband is thinking of buying another house to rent to them. Financially, we could. But it is scary. Just because we can doesn’t mean we should. At the same time, it would be great to be able to help them in this stressful time. But how will our friendship be affected by the added financial relationship? Oh man…so much to consider.

Yet, I am thankful for our financial security. I am thankful for my numerous pets. I am madly in love with my husband. After 14 yrs, to still be crazy about each other feels great. I am thankful to have all my kids at home for the holidays. We are all healthy and well.

Anxiety and depression suck.