The holiday anxiety has begun. So has the depression.
I have so much to be thankful for, and happy about. My life, overall, is truly amazing.
It pisses me off that I can still manage to be depressed.
I have to try to remind myself that depression isn’t necessarily related to my current situation. It can happen to anyone at any time. But even though I know that, I still feel guilt for feeling depressed.
Most of these feelings center on the loss of my dad. When he was here, for the last 5 years I didn’t attend holiday functions. With 3 brothers, as adults, we don’t get along.
One brother refuses to remove his concealed weapon around family, and his wife accused us of fostering and adopting to “make money.” Oh, fellow foster and foster adopt families…I know you hear me on why I cannot look at that girl anymore! If she only knew what we go through!
Another brother finds it funny to make racial “jokes” around me and my kids. One of my children is biracial, another is of Mexican heritage. Although, to be honest, even before I had these kids I found this kind of talk from him intolerable. We have always clashed on his racist attitude.
So, we stopped being welcome at family functions. My parents wouldn’t simply have my brother leave the gun at home, or speak up to insist racial comments wouldn’t be tolerated.
It was deemed that I was the one with the problem. I missed a lot of time with my dad because of this.
Yet, as he died, I was the only one who made it to see him each day he suffered in the hospital.
We also don’t attend my father in-laws holiday functions anymore. He has never made us a priority in his life, and also voted for Trump. This felt extremely hurtful to our family.
So holidays for us, and for many others I am sure, brings on feelings of anxiety and depression.
To add to that, I still haven’t even begun wrapping gifts.
My daughter is home, and I feel like we aren’t doing enough to make the visit “special” for her. I am trying to make all her favorite meals, and spend time together. But I feel like I should be doing extraordinary things…but I don’t know what.
My middle son has escalated behaviors this time of year. That also brings about anxiety for me.
My youngest is also filled with anxiety, much of it related to my other son, and his behaviors.
We recently adopted another dog from a rescue. He is blind. Learning to manage training a blind dog is new to me. But he is doing well. But that added layer of anxiety is there. But I love this puppy so much, and wouldn’t change a thing.
The other added stress is our friends were just given notice to move from their rental home. They have just over 1 month to move. Their budget is small for a family their size. I don’t think they will find something in time that will be enough space. They aren’t able to buy right now.
My husband is thinking of buying another house to rent to them. Financially, we could. But it is scary. Just because we can doesn’t mean we should. At the same time, it would be great to be able to help them in this stressful time. But how will our friendship be affected by the added financial relationship? Oh man…so much to consider.
Yet, I am thankful for our financial security. I am thankful for my numerous pets. I am madly in love with my husband. After 14 yrs, to still be crazy about each other feels great. I am thankful to have all my kids at home for the holidays. We are all healthy and well.
Anxiety and depression suck.