Reflection on Mother’s day 2019


, , , , ,

It has been a while since I have written. Life gets crazy sometimes.

I wanted to take a moment to reflect on Mother’s day this year.

My youngest son’s birth mom is not doing well. Her parents left for a vacation. I was unsure if I should try to contact her for Mother’s day or not. I posted a generic message on fb rather than a direct attempt. Not knowing her mental health right now, I wasn’t sure contact was the right thing.

So, I actually had Mother’s day for me. I didn’t share it or feel too much pressure to celebrate others this year.

My daughter sent me a lovely message from afar.

My youngest made me a painting in school, along with mom coupons. He included things like unlimited hugs, watch a movie together, wash my car, etc.

My older son made a similar painting in school, as well as coupons. His coupons are all leasons he would like to give me. Computer lessons, video game lessons (he isn’t even allowed to play), drawing lessons, etc.

Not sure how to take the older boys gift. It felt like he was trying to imply he was better than me at all those things, rather than giving an actual attempt at something helpful. Meanwhile, little offered sweet ideas and doing chores.

Reactive attachment disorder sucks.




, , ,

I find that my husband and I are generous to a fault. We donate to charitable causes we believe in, as well as help those around us when we can.

When it comes to ourselves though, we live cheaply. We rarely splurge on things. We put a lot away in savings.

In general, I love how we handle stuff. Once in awhile though, being cheap kinda pisses me off.

My husband doesnt always see things the way I do. I want to spend some money to get my kiddo some music lessons. He protests. It isn’t an argument. If I want the lessons, I will be getting them.

I just feel frustrated when we will spend a similar amount on buying a gift for a friend, but there is hesitation on spending the money on something like music lessons.

Not okay with me. My kiddo will learn music.

For profit


, , , ,

I have been submitting articles for the last month for this new job I took on. I cannot believe I am actually getting paid to write! What a dream come true!

I am allowed to link to a personal blog. But i try to keep this anonymous…so I am not linking. I also decided to write for this job using a pseudonym. I actually love being able to post without being identified.

While I am not earning a lot of money, I am not complaining since it is more than I was getting (nothing, lol).

My husband has become more supportive since he sees I like doing it.

Writing for a profit…does that make me a professional? Lol.

Living the dream…

Could it be…


, , , , ,

I am starting to wonder if my youngest could have inherited schizophrenia from his birth mom.

If so, he would be a rare case of childhood onset schizophrenia.

His suicidal thoughts got me thinking and researching. He is scared a lot at night. He has vivid dreams that he will be murdered or kidnapped. We don’t watch scary movies here, so it is hard to understand where these fears come from.

He wants to stay home 90% of the time. He hates school and calls it prison. He is academically smart, not delayed. He does have some speech issues and needs reminders to get the proper sounds out. But he can be understood without any problems.

He thinks everyone hates him or is making fun of him. All.the.time. He is often moved to tears by the thought that someone made fun of him, or laughed at him.

I used to think he was just very sensitive.

With suicidal thoughts increased lately, as well as hitting himself sometimes when upset, I am getting more worried that it could be serious.

Not sure what to do…

Child suicidal thoughts


, , , , ,

My young son is an empath. He feels things very deeply. He feels responsible for those around him. He can be the happiest kid in the world, or the saddest.

A few days ago, at school, he was having a hard time on a project. I was volunteering that day, so I was trying to help.

At one point, he became very overwhelmed. He grabbed my car key, and asked if it was sharp. Of course, I asked why.

“I want to make sure it is sharp. I am going to stab myself with it.”

Oh.My.God. He is just 7 yo.

Last night, he was playing with his brother and working on some new lego sets he bought with money he was gifted.

Because my older boy has reactive attachment disorder, my house has cameras in most rooms. I noticed my younger son was not working on his new legos. Only older was putting together new sets.

Of course, this makes me irritated. Little spent his own money on these sets and was excited.

I asked middle why he had taken over assembling and he said. “I let him do a few things.” Wait. “Do you hear yourself? You LET him…build a few parts if HIS new legos?”

Little was miserable at bedtime. I asked why he lets his brother do stuff like that. He said he is scared to make him mad. His brother tells him they won’t be brothers anymore. Or that he will never play with him again.

Little said he would rather keep his brother happy, and make me upset, cuz he knows I will forgive him and still love him.

What am I doing?? How do I help this boy? He is my sweet, sensitive boy…and it kills me he feels this way.

All the power


, , , ,

My 9 yo now holds all the power. Thanks to a guidance counselor who didn’t truly listen when I told her he was diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder.

While CPS did their investigation and is closing the case, he now knows when he is angry he can cause QUITE a situation by telling stories. This disconnected child who craves all the power has now learned how to get it.

I am furious with this guidance counselor.

And the things he said…that he was punched on the way to school? Where is the evidence? A clear lie. Smh. If someone punched him there would be a mark, and he would be crying. He wouldn’t be walking into school like any other day.

He was angry he got into trouble that morning. And now, this dumbass guidance counselor has shown him he can destroy the family with a few lies.

Thankfully CPS understood that the story wasn’t true, and that we are doing our best. However, if he does this again, we aren’t guaranteed the same social worker.

I do not want to live in fear of a kid. Yet, here we are.

Waiting game


, , , , , , ,

Here I am, sitting in the waiting room as my youngest attends his therapy session.

My little sensitive, anxiety prone boy, who can’t sleep at night. He sincerely fears he will be murdered or kidnapped while he sleeps. He doesn’t get to watch scary movies. I have no idea why he has these thoughts.

Waiting with me is middle. He left one empty chair between us in the small waiting room. There are 3 chairs along one wall, and 3 along another. And he leaves an empty chair between us taking up one side of the small waiting space. He forgot to bring his book to read. He refuses to look at the reading material on the table. There are even a few kid choices. But he won’t even look. Instead, he sits and scowls.

He should be in therapy too. But funding therapy for his attachment disorder is nearly impossible.

Tomorrow, we will live the special kind of hell that is a social services home visit. A social worker will come quiz my kids on our parenting. They will have to answer questions about our home, and if they feel safe.

Why? Because middle son reported to the school counselor claiming he wasn’t safe and his father threatened to kill him. He also claimed he had been punched before arriving at school.

The thing that pisses me off? The counselor called it in to human services instead of checking with us. I have told her that he has reactive attachment disorder. I asked her to please look into RAD, become familiar with it. Clearly, she never took the time. If she had, she would understand him saying these things is typical RAD behavior.

This isn’t the first time he has caused big drama. Last year he gave a detailed account of a bus driver hitting kids. He had names, reasons, all types of statements to back up his claim. Thankfully, the bus had cameras, and the driver faced no consequences. My son later admitted making it all up. He even got his little brother to agree to his lies thru some intimidation tactics. I was shocked at how detailed the lies had been, and that I had fallen for it.

Now, as parents, it is our turn to face his manipulation and lies.

I am angry. Little is so full of anxiety as it is. I cannot imagine him living thru being taken from us for ANY amount of time if a social worker believes my middle son.

I am also angry that my middle son now knows that his lies can hold power. Tremendous power. Power to destroy our family and lives.

I wonder if we ruined all of our lives in an effort to try to fix his?

In this moment, right now, it feels that way.

Our turn


, , , , ,

If you know anything about Reactive Attachment Disorder (now often called Developmental Trauma Disorder), you may know these kids often make false accusations against caregivers due to their inability to bond.

And, I guess, it is our turn.

Middle made some statements that were not accurate or truthful. He uses manipulative phrases like, “I feel like….happened.” For instance, “I feel like she tried to kill me and wanted me dead.” This is a literal statement he made for weeks last summer when he slipped on a rock while I was holding his hand to help him. He did NOT fall. He slipped but maintained balance. Yet, he accused me of trying to kill him and wanting him dead. Not kidding.

This time, his accusations aren’t against me. This shocks me. They are against my husband. But this time, due to a new school who has not researched his issues like I asked, they called social services and reported us for potential abuse.

I am angry. I am hurt. And I am scared.

My youngest who is so emotionally vulnerable all the time, always full of anxiety would not make it thru being separated from me for even a day. I cannot imagine if they would actually take him while investigating. My middle is a wild card. Who knows what he will say and when. He now realizes he has some power and can control things with his lies. It is terrifying right now.

I want to believe things will be ok. I want be able to trust the system to work. But having worked within this system for so many years, I know it is severely broken. And so, I am worried.

We brought this child into our home. We try to pour love on him and make him feel secure. His childhood trauma makes him believe parents cannot be trusted. We cannot fix that. All we can do is try our best. And now, we wait to see if the truth wins, or manipulation wins.

I am sad. I am scared. I am worried. And I am angry. I am trying to hold it together. I am not sure I can though.

This could go on for several months. MONTHS!

God help us…

Oldest, but not really


, , , ,

We hung out with some friends over the weekend. All together we had 5 kids in the house. Our older boy was the oldest kid there. He is creeping up on 10 yo soon. Wow.

So, being the oldest you would expect him to be the best behaved. Not.A.Chance.

My almost 10 yo drew photos in lipstick all over a 3 yo’s face. Seriously. Wtf.

He continually looked to the 3 yo’s behavior and basically mimicked it.

Oh, a 3 yo jumped off the couch? Well, then, as an almost 10 yo, I must do the same!! A 3 yo hit me with a pillow? I must hit her back…but with the force of a 10 yo!

Dealing with this is so embarrassing. I understand he has maturity issues related to childhood trauma. But I can’t excuse the behavior like it is ok either. And I feel so horrified when my kid is the oldest one and acting the worst. I swear, it isn’t a reflection of my parenting.

Some days are rough.



, , , , ,

An opportunity has come my way. It is exciting. Something I have always wished to do. I am nervous though.

It is a writing opportunity. I really want to try it.

My husband was a bit discouraging when we talked about it. He doesn’t want me to feel overwhelmed. He wanted me to be certain that if I did this, it would be my choice, and that I didn’t need to do it for additional income. The pay is minimal, but it is a paying job. There are requirements and opportunities for growth.

Writing. I could get paid to write.

Holy shit!

I am slightly intimidated. Thus far, writing has been just a hobby. I am stunned that anyone is ever interested in what my thoughts are. I am however, humbled and grateful when people are interested and take a moment to read, or better yet, respond!

I haven’t quite wrapped my head around this yet. I am so excited for this opportunity. It is a real dream come true!