Mayhem and miracles

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My husband has had a bad back for many years. Nothing serious, that we know of. It just freezes up on him now and then, causing a day or two of discomfort.

This week, he bent over to pick something up, pain shot through his back, and he hit the floor. And it took a long time for him to get up. And he went down again…

This was bad. This wasn’t the usual discomfort. This was intense pain.

The other piece to this puzzle; a vacation is scheduled for the weekend.

Timing could not be worse.

I was convinced we would have to cancel our vacation. I am still not truly convinced we should go. But 3 days, our 5th chiropractor appointment is today, and he can walk. The doctor believes he can have him ready for the weekend. I am holding out hope.

It feels like a miracle he is walking this well given he could barely move before.

My stress level is off the charts. Catering to his needs, kids and pets. The stress of his pain. The stress of the trip, and whether we should cancel. If we go, and this happens again, out of state, then what? If we cancel, the disappointment we will all feel. If we go, I need to get packed and get the house ready for our departure.

Today is decision day. We need to decide today, because canceling later than today will result in fees.

My husband will want to make the trip so as not to disappoint us. I just want to be sure it is a good choice and he is healed enough.

The scary part is his back hurts so randomly, from seemingly simple motion. It doesn’t have to be heavy lifting, or strenuous activity. This could happen again at any time.

I am so stressed.

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Fake it til you make it

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Fake it til you make it, my current motto.

Lots of long talks with hubby…mostly via text. It is easier to communicate without fighting this way.

Neither of us wants to lose our marriage.

We both agree we took on this hard life, and feel it shouldn’t feel so damn hard.

We both agree we need to find ways to get breaks. Individual and breaks to enjoy each other.

We agree we need to work harder to keep our emotions in balance with middle RAD kiddo. We also need to do the best we can to control damage (emotional and physical) to our little.

We are both trying medications to help. For me, it’s the 5th med I have tried. I have had horrible side effects with 4 meds. Hoping this one turns out differently. For him, his first attempt at a daily med. We both have as needed anxiety pills.

This life has done this…broken is down so we need help via pills. I am not ashamed. But I am sad. It shouldn’t be this hard.

So…fake it til you make it.

Put on a smile, and pretend things are good until they really are.

Fallouts, apologies, and trying harder

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The last few weeks have been very hard, stressful weeks.

I was convinced my marriage was going to end. Being a SAHM, I was terrified. No job, no money to pay bills, nobody to help me…

My husband and I love each other. Really. But having a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder is brutal.

And this kid saves his most outrageous behavior for me. My husband doesn’t want to believe our kid would do some of the things he does. I get it. It is hard to believe. But he must believe me, or parenting won’t work. This is classic RAD, the manipulation of caregivers.

It has been hard. Communication difficult. Raw honesty, panic attacks, and breakdowns.

We want to be together. We need to work harder. We need to trust each other.

Our house feels like a prison. Cameras in bedrooms, total supervision. It isn’t how I want my life to be. But, we committed to this, and we need to figure it out.

Lots of apologies have happened.

Having no way to run saved our marriage. If I had a support system, of I had a job…I would have run.

I don’t want to leave my marriage. I just need things more calm. With RAD it is almost impossible. I don’t want to be a divorce statistic.

I am just tired. I feel like I am failing.

School times

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My youngest hates going to school. I suspect while he is there he is ok, but he hates getting up early and getting ready on time.

Today, he cried at drop off. He tried to keep it in, but he couldn’t and the tears fell. I wanted to take him right home. I talked quietly to him, tryong to calm him. He is so sensitive, and it is hard for him.

My middle loves school. Although, I have caught him fighting on the playground twice already at morning drop off. I anticipate recess time will be a problem.

My daughter likes college. But she is having some struggles. For the first time in her life, she didn’t get a role she auditioned for. She was feeling incredibly confident, and it was a crushing blow. I was also shocked…she is VERY good, or I wouldn’t pay for this type of education. But, in this field, you need to be able to handle disappointment and move on. I told her she was allowed to mourn for one night, then pick herself up and try again. And she did…going to another audition the next day.

She makes me proud, and she will find her way.

When your kids have a hard time, and you can’t fix it, it really hurts. I find myself very emotional lately.

But, did you die?

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I jokingly asked my 8yo this question, after he insisted he almost died, and it was my fault (of course).

We went for a hike in the woods. We took a difficult trail, that included rocky areas. Due to rain the previous day, some areas were a bit muddy and some rocks slippery.

Each time he stepped in mud, he pranced about like he was covered in the stuff, rather than just had some on his shoes. It wasn’t deep quick sand mud…just slight surface mud. Yet, he behaved like it was deadly quick sand.

Each time he pranced, he would inevitably slip on a rock or trip. He never fell, but had to catch his balance a few times. But he ALMOST fell. Which means he ALMOST hit his face on a rock. Which, in turn means HE ALMOST DIED. And, he was very clear that he blamed me for almost killing him.

“But, did you die?” I asked. He answered me with a growl, “no!”

The situation is somewhat humorous. His wild leaps to attempted murder over nearly slipping while hiking…I mean, wow.

But, at 8, I have to worry how he will tell this wild tale to others (maybe a teacher, or a friend who will retell it to another adult) and make them believe I put him in a dangerous situation.

My younger 5 yo had a fun time in the hike. He also slid on a rock, but recovered easily, insisting he didn’t need help or to hold a hand.

Nobody died. Nobody got hurt. Our shoes did get a bit muddy.

This was considered a fun day. A successful day.

I fucking hate RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) and how it affects our lives.

The big move

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So, after 2 weeks in Europe, my daughter (she turned 18 while away) was home just 2 days before moving into her dorm.

During those 2 days, we got mother/daughter handwriting tattoos. I am so in love with them, even if they are a bit cliche.

We also filed paperwork and got a date for her to be legally adopted by my husband. He has raised her, and her relationship with her biological father has never been good. She wants to be legally adopted, as an adult, since her bio would not consent when she was underage. She already legally changed her name (this could be done with one parents consent).

So, big things happened in those 2 short days.

Unbelievably, the move to the dorm went incredibly smooth. And, having her go to Europe first made this transition easier. I feel more relaxed with college being just an hour away than I did when she was an ocean away.

She seems very happy there. She is finding her group, exploring…

I am so proud of her, and think she will thrive.

Plus, only one hour from home, we can have lunch randomly, and she can come home on a whim.

Now, when the little one goes to kindergarten this upcoming week…that will be hard.

One starts college, one start kindergarten…plus middle is a 3rd grader. Wow.

Losing everything

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I don’t know how to keep doing this.

Since the truck incident with middle, I just can’t. Constant supervision with pets and with little so middle doesn’t harm is an unfathomable exhaustion.

Not to mention, I don’t know how to let my anger go. He tried to push his brother in front of a truck. How do I let it go? How do I look at him? I feel nothing but anger. I just don’t know how to move on.

My husband makes excuses. Of course, he wasn’t there. We can barely talk about anything important right now. My anger is bubbling over, his calm defense and excuses make me sick.

My husband is a good man. The best. I love him with all that I am. Bit he refuses to see how serious things are. He has always proceeded with blinders on when it comes to middle. I knew this would be too hard. I know my husband feels guikt he didn’t listen. But, he still doesn’t listen.

I truly believe we will have to separate. I don’t want to lose my marriage. But if we live apart, how will it work?

I am losing everything. I will not be able to be a sahm anymore. I will need to go back to working, something I haven’t done in years. I supported my husband’s goal of getting his degree. I have nothing. Jobs will be low paying, the kind not meant to support a family but suppliment. But it will be all I qualify for.

Our annual vacations will be impossible. He will be able to afford them, I will not. Little will lose these opportunities. The guilt is tremendous.

Our retirement plans will die. We have put hundreds away for years to be financially ready when we are older. All of it, my husband will benefit.

He has offered to pay for the hkuse for me. Yet, I will have to find a way to pay the bills. Pay the taxes. With no real skills, huge holes in my work history because I am “just a mom.”

How can we make it work? How can we be married but live apart. I love him, but I am losing him. I am losing everything.

And he doesn’t even realize it. He thinks everything is fine. But I am dying inside.

Disasterous events

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So yesterday my middle RAD son was home all day due to the daycare we were using being closed.

He was mad he didn’t get to go to the daycare, because he liked it. He was also mad that his dad was working, since he prefers him over me.

The day did NOT go well. As a matter of fact, it was a disaster.

In the morning, he waited ad his brother got up off the ground after falling, timing it his throw to try to hit him in the head with a swing tied to our tree. He admitted it, and was put on a 10 min time out, as my blood boiled. The only positive here is he didn’t try to lie. I am trying to find any positives I can.

Later we walked to the local park. Once you enter the park, there are walking trails. The playground area is down a trail, then a bridge that crosses the creek, and a small sectiin of trail before crossing the section of road for the park parking lot. My kids like to run the trail. I walk at a steady pace, but behind them. The trail doesnt have lines like sidewalk squares, but there is a tar line on the trail past the bridge that they know to wait behind. They are not allowed to cross without me. I can see them before I get to the bridge. They are beyond the line. My middle had his hand behind my little’s back, pushing him forward, as a large red pickup truck is coming down the road to the parking lot. I am running over the bridge now, screaming, “get back from the road, a truck!!” As I scream, middle drops his hand, and little is able to move back. Little looks…worried and scared. Middle has zero expression. I asked what the hell he was doing pushing his brother towards the road. “I don’t know.” I ask if he saw the truck. “Yes.” Then…I ask the important question, “What do you think would hapoen if he got hit?” He replied, “he would probably go to the hospital.” I asked if he understood he could also DIE. And he said yes. Omfg. He knew exactly what he was doing. He tried to push his little brother in front of a truck.

And I am dying…overwhelmed. I don’t know what to do, or how to continue.

Travel fears

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My daughter has traveled to another continent. She is enjoying seeing the world, and it is a wonderful opportunity.

During her trip, there has been a terrorist attack. Thankfully, not in the area (ot even the country) she is in. That is little consolation to my worried heart. What if something happened where she is? I couldn’t reach her quickly. She doesn’t speak the language fluently.

So many “what if’s” tjat can make me crazy if I dwell on them.

And I sympathize for all who were closely affected by these attacks. These events weigh heavily on me…I feel the impact, even when it isn’t personal.

Please let my girl find her way jome safely. And I hope the world can find a way to accept each other and stop these violent acts.

Break time over

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I found out on Thursday that the day care I take middle son to during the day is closed the next 2 weeks. W.t f.

The weeks until school start will be devastatingly hard.

I keep thinking about what his therapist said…maybe disrupting this adoption should be discussed.

And it makes me angry. It makes me angry first because I actually agree we aren’t the best fit for him. But we weren’t the professionals who were supoosed to recognize that. We were assured he would adjust. We were told we couldn’t try therapy for years while he was still a foster child. We were told lots of things that set us up to fail. We were made to feel that if we couldn’t handle him, we would also lose our youngest, who has no issues and is fully bonded.

We were set up to fail. We all experience this trauma.

It also makes me angry because this therapist isn’t giving me tools to succeed. She isn’t offering me waus to try to make this work. How can we possibly succeed when therapy is not giving us the proper tools. We are begging for help. We are drowning! Throw us a life line lady!

Instead, she tells me I should consider giving up. That WOULD be easier. And as awful as I sound, I think about it. But it is NOT a real option. I am his mom now, we are his family. That is it. There is not a return policy here.

Please, let me get thru these next few weeks with my sanity.