The boyfriend

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My daughter didn’t date until the end of her senior year of high school. Of course, she chose to date a foreign exchange student. They did a long distance relationship thru her first year of college. She even went to visit him once.

Then, she moved. She moved to another country. For college, she said. Not for the boy, she said. Yet, the boy attended the same college.

It has been nearly 3 yrs. I had only met him briefly while he was a student here. They just visited for a few weeks. Together. As a couple.

I was worried. I didn’t know how I would honestly feel. What if I didn’t like him?

My biggest fear for her when she wasn’t dating was that she would settle for the first guy she dated and get married and be miserable.

She proved me wrong. She may marry the first guy she dates…but she didn’t “settle.”

She just waited for a good guy. She didn’t want to put effort into something that couldn’t work out. She was SMART. I dare say SMARTER THAN ME!

Thankfully, she won’t see this, or my above admission.

I loved having them visit. Together. Seeing her smile at someone the way I smile at my husband. Seeing him kiss the top of her head when he didn’t think anyone was looking. The shared looks and laughs between them. I loved it!

Seeing her being an adult…in a relationship. This is pure mom gold. She is happy. Therefore, so am I.

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Citizen guilt

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I feel guilty that I was born here, in the US.

My family hasn’t been separated, caged, and forced to drink from toilets because we were born in a country that was unsafe.

Not that the US is an incredibly safe space either. We have so many instances of mass violence it is heartbreaking.

I am not rich, or wealthy. My family is financially stable. We are comfortable. ButI wouldn’t say we are wealthy.

Yet, I wish we could do something to help these asylum seeking families. I would happily open my home to a family. I would love to help them by providing shelter, food, a safe place to stay. I could help with paperwork to become legal immigrants.

Cuz, the fact is, if you are fleeing you don’t have time for paperwork. All those screaming that those seeking asylum need to do it “legally” and “fill out paperwork” are not understanding the dire situations that require people to seek asylum in the first place.

Why isn’t there a sponsorship program, where we can sponsor a family in need? I can sponsor an animal in a shelter…but not human beings who need help?

Our government is broken. Our system is flawed. I feel guilt that I can have a normal life while people are suffering.

If anyone knows how to help besides bombarding our state reps with calls and emails, please share!

Spontaneous bucket list checks

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My dear friend is dying. I have written about her before, about her struggle with breast cancer. She recently found out the cancer has spread to her bones. It is very serious, and will be the cause of her death. No time frame has been given, but she is declining rapidly.

As kids, we had spoken of friendship tattoos. She asked, and within 24 hrs we were getting them. Spontaneous. Filling her bucket list.

It is tremendously hard watching a girl tthat is younger than me struggle. She can barely walk. She takes so many pills just to get thru the day.

Her family is struggling to cope too. Everyone is. The situation sucks so badly.

Realizing I can’t do a lot to help is traumatic.

Resisting temptation to ask unnecessary questions.

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I am at a park with my boys. There is another family here. All the kids are playing nicely together.

The other mom is nursing a baby. There is an almost 2 yo boy, and a 9 yo girl. I am thrilled to see this family. Why? Because, like my own family, they don’t “match.”

One child is black, the others are white, both parents are white. This means they are an adoptive or foster family. But, I resist the urge to ask. I know how these questions come at us sometimes. I know how sometimes, we just wish we could be a family without explaining how it came to be.

But I also love meeting other families who have taken these journeys into parenthood.

Today, I chose to let us all just be families without explanations or discussions. A day at the park didn’t need to include conversations of our family journey, or theirs.

But I did feel a bit of relief at not being the only family that didn’t “match” today, and knowing they get it too.

No need to acknowledge or bring it up. A smile shared, as we are all in this together.

Pizza time

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Ok guys. My husband decided he was going to teach our 10 yo middle child how to cook a pizza.

Oh, the hilarity that ensued.

To be fair, it was actually awful. But, also funny how dramatic it was.

Our 10 yo is diagnosed RAD. So, sometimes things escalate.

As my husband showed him how to use oven mitts, and to out a pizza in the preheated oven, our kiddo threw the mitt and began screaming we wanted him to die because we were showing him how to put the pizza in the oven. No joke. He was screaming we wanted him to die. I couldn’t help myself. I laughed.

Then he got pissed.

I asked if he wanted US to die everytime he asked us to cook something in the oven. Well, of course this makes no sense, so he had to stop yelling, right?! Wrong!!

He doubled down on his screaming. We wanted him dead, and he was going to be burned and die. Oh boy.

My husband, bless his soul, calmed the boy down and talked him thru making a pizza. In the end, the kiddo felt pretty proud of himself. It was hard getting there though.

Good luck out there parents!!

Reflection on Mother’s day 2019

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It has been a while since I have written. Life gets crazy sometimes.

I wanted to take a moment to reflect on Mother’s day this year.

My youngest son’s birth mom is not doing well. Her parents left for a vacation. I was unsure if I should try to contact her for Mother’s day or not. I posted a generic message on fb rather than a direct attempt. Not knowing her mental health right now, I wasn’t sure contact was the right thing.

So, I actually had Mother’s day for me. I didn’t share it or feel too much pressure to celebrate others this year.

My daughter sent me a lovely message from afar.

My youngest made me a painting in school, along with mom coupons. He included things like unlimited hugs, watch a movie together, wash my car, etc.

My older son made a similar painting in school, as well as coupons. His coupons are all leasons he would like to give me. Computer lessons, video game lessons (he isn’t even allowed to play), drawing lessons, etc.

Not sure how to take the older boys gift. It felt like he was trying to imply he was better than me at all those things, rather than giving an actual attempt at something helpful. Meanwhile, little offered sweet ideas and doing chores.

Reactive attachment disorder sucks.

Generosity

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I find that my husband and I are generous to a fault. We donate to charitable causes we believe in, as well as help those around us when we can.

When it comes to ourselves though, we live cheaply. We rarely splurge on things. We put a lot away in savings.

In general, I love how we handle stuff. Once in awhile though, being cheap kinda pisses me off.

My husband doesnt always see things the way I do. I want to spend some money to get my kiddo some music lessons. He protests. It isn’t an argument. If I want the lessons, I will be getting them.

I just feel frustrated when we will spend a similar amount on buying a gift for a friend, but there is hesitation on spending the money on something like music lessons.

Not okay with me. My kiddo will learn music.

For profit

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I have been submitting articles for the last month for this new job I took on. I cannot believe I am actually getting paid to write! What a dream come true!

I am allowed to link to a personal blog. But i try to keep this anonymous…so I am not linking. I also decided to write for this job using a pseudonym. I actually love being able to post without being identified.

While I am not earning a lot of money, I am not complaining since it is more than I was getting (nothing, lol).

My husband has become more supportive since he sees I like doing it.

Writing for a profit…does that make me a professional? Lol.

Living the dream…

Could it be…

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I am starting to wonder if my youngest could have inherited schizophrenia from his birth mom.

If so, he would be a rare case of childhood onset schizophrenia.

His suicidal thoughts got me thinking and researching. He is scared a lot at night. He has vivid dreams that he will be murdered or kidnapped. We don’t watch scary movies here, so it is hard to understand where these fears come from.

He wants to stay home 90% of the time. He hates school and calls it prison. He is academically smart, not delayed. He does have some speech issues and needs reminders to get the proper sounds out. But he can be understood without any problems.

He thinks everyone hates him or is making fun of him. All.the.time. He is often moved to tears by the thought that someone made fun of him, or laughed at him.

I used to think he was just very sensitive.

With suicidal thoughts increased lately, as well as hitting himself sometimes when upset, I am getting more worried that it could be serious.

Not sure what to do…

Child suicidal thoughts

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My young son is an empath. He feels things very deeply. He feels responsible for those around him. He can be the happiest kid in the world, or the saddest.

A few days ago, at school, he was having a hard time on a project. I was volunteering that day, so I was trying to help.

At one point, he became very overwhelmed. He grabbed my car key, and asked if it was sharp. Of course, I asked why.

“I want to make sure it is sharp. I am going to stab myself with it.”

Oh.My.God. He is just 7 yo.

Last night, he was playing with his brother and working on some new lego sets he bought with money he was gifted.

Because my older boy has reactive attachment disorder, my house has cameras in most rooms. I noticed my younger son was not working on his new legos. Only older was putting together new sets.

Of course, this makes me irritated. Little spent his own money on these sets and was excited.

I asked middle why he had taken over assembling and he said. “I let him do a few things.” Wait. “Do you hear yourself? You LET him…build a few parts if HIS new legos?”

Little was miserable at bedtime. I asked why he lets his brother do stuff like that. He said he is scared to make him mad. His brother tells him they won’t be brothers anymore. Or that he will never play with him again.

Little said he would rather keep his brother happy, and make me upset, cuz he knows I will forgive him and still love him.

What am I doing?? How do I help this boy? He is my sweet, sensitive boy…and it kills me he feels this way.