Vandalism

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There was a recent vandalism incident in a nearby area. The incident included a reference to Trump, and was racist in nature. 

It makes me so angry.

I am tired of people who deny Trump is part of the problem. I am tired of people who voted for him and think he has nothing to do with this type of crime.

Trump is openly racist. He is a bully. He brags about assaulting woman.  He is spreading hate and violence. His whole campaign, he spread hate and violence. So when hate and violence happens and his name is cited, why is it dismissed? Why is it denied he is involved? He may not be directly involved…he didn’t commit the destruction himself. But, he did advocate for hate. And, he is in a position of power.

When you are in a position of power, you have a responsibility to be a role model. Trump is no such thing.

And to his supporters, his voters…I do think you are part of the problem. If you claim to not share his views, but still support him, you support his message. Unacceptable. 

So embarrassed for what is happening in our country.

So scared for how far back this has taken us in terms of equality.

So sad that people still promote hatred.

I hope those feeling targeted know the majority of us don’t feel this way…

Animal cruelty 

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If you follow my blog, you know animals are important to me. I try to rescue orphaned babies,  and own several pets. I am also petsitting a friend’s animal right now.

If you have followed for a while,  you might remember my middle son trying to kill my cat. His methods would not hurt her, but he he was clear that his intentions were to kill her. 

I have also had to worn him about hitting or kicking my dogs. I have been clear he could be bitten. I have also explained tje dogs could be put down (explaining this means killed) should he be bitten.

Today, again, he chased my dog trying to hit her, LAUGHING as he did so.

I reacted. I screamed and yelled. I grabbed him and carried him to his room. I told him he had to write as punishment (he jates writing). I wanted to spank his butt…but didn’t. When I was a kid, this worked for my parents. This doesn’t work for him. He doesn’t care. 

He knows what he did is wrong. He just doesn’t care. He knows the consequences, but does it anyway.

He wasn’t “unsupervised.” I was cooking in the kitchen. I heard it and was there immediately.

I don’t know what to do. Some day, he will be hurt. We will be blamed.

But, it is him…he is…mean. 

He experienced trauma. Yet…is it really an excuse? At this point, I am struggling. 

I can make jokes, but YOU cannot

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My daughter recently started dating (thank God, I have been waiting for this!). We are a laid back, teasing sort of family. We joke about things, including saying things like, “Don’t get pregnant tonight” as she leaves for a movie or night out. We joke because we have trust. We have a good relationship, that has open communication. 

What I don’t appreciate, is other parents making comments about not letting the kids alone together because they worry my daughter will get pregnant. Wait…what?! They think it is ok to place these judgements on my child? What gives them the right to make assumptions on what she is or isn’t doing? Oh…is ot her large chest? That MUST mean she is sexually active, right? No matter how she tries to cover them up (to my dismay…be proud of your body, not ashamed)…people jidge her character.

I can make jokes…I am not being malicious or judging her. Those who aren’t me…kindly keep your comments to yourselves. You know what they say about those who assume…

At almost 18 yrs old, she has proven she is able to make good choices. Should she choose to have sex (which is not yet the case), she shouldn’t be shamed or assumed irresponsible. I am confident she will make responsible choices.

All those who aren’t so sure…worry about your own lives. STFU.

I am failing miserably

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I don’t know how to enjoy him. He is mean. He is a bully. He breaks every rule he is given. He destroys things to upset others. He is impulsive. He is constantly moving. He is constantly making noise. It never ends. 

He is 8. He has been here since age 2. Just before age 6, we legally adopted him. I knew then I was struggling. I wanted to do the “right” thing. But, did I?

I love him. I want him to succeed. In the rare moments he accepts me, his beautiful eyes melt my soul. But, these moments are rare.

I fear he is destined to be a criminal. He just does NOT listen. He understands consequences, but doesn’t seem to care. I feel some hope that when he truly injures someone he shows remorse. But, only when he physically hurts someone. Otherwise, he will never sincerely apologize or seem to care.

He will destroy his siblings favorite toy, and smile. He will hear me ask him to stop a behavior, stare me down, and continue it with a smirk. 

He suffers from ADHD, DMDD, and RAD. 

I can read all there is to offer and understand why he is how he is. I can understand what I am supposed to do…but it feels impossible. 

I feel like a bully myself oftentimes, having to be constantly scolding and constantly correcting. But, if we ignore a behavior, he escalates. We have to address every little thing. 

I don’t want to be this kind of parent.

And with my other kids, life is easy. So, I know I can do this under normal circumstances. 

These circumstances aren’t “normal.” He doesn’t accept me. And, truth is…I am tired. I am tired of fighting. Tired of trying. 

I am becoming that resentful person, cou ting the years and months until he is an adult. 

And, I hate myself for feeling this way. I feel like a horrible person. I feel like I don’t deserve to be a parent. Even though I am doing a good job with the others. 

Some days, I don’t know what to do. 

Young love and travel

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My teen daughter has her first boyfriend. Truth is, I think he is a nice kid. The problem…he lives acrossed the ocean. He is a foreign exchange student, and he just went home.

He was gone exactly 3 days before he invited my daughter to visit him. 

Before he left, there was talk of one of them visiting next year. Then, he left and suddenly it became urgent. Young love…I remember those days.

The thing is…travel makes me anxious. The thought of my daughter leaving and traveling, alone, acrossed an ocean is a bit terrifying.

But, she is going to be 18 soon, and then I don’t have a whole lot of control in what happens. 

Plus, if I say no and they break up, guess who gets blamed? This girl (pointing to myself). 

I feel like I am a bit stuck right now. Truth is, I am happy for her for finding a guy she likes. I am glad she is finally dating. And, I have done a long distance relationship. I sympathize with the situation.

My worry is mostly just fears of injury so far away, trouble with travel, those types of things. I trust her with a boy, and think she is capable of making responsible choices. 

I will likely let her go. And, shortly after, she moves into her college dorm. 

Time to face the truth…she has grown up.

Our houseguest

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I am taking care of a cat for a girl I know. She is going through a hard time, and needs a place for her animals. 

I got the cat. Her doggy is at another home.

I have my own cat. One who prefers to be the only cat in the house. But, she os respectful when I bring in orphaned bottle feeding kittens. I was hooing she would be respectful of this grown cat too.

My girl is tiny…looks like a half grown kitten. She weighs in at barely 5 lbs (average cat is 10 lbs). She is 3 years old. 

Guest cat is easily double the size of my girl. But, this cat has been front declawed (sadly).

For many days they avoided and hissed at each other, as expected. Now, a few weeks in, they play only in the early morning and late evening. Sometimes it turns to serious fighting, but so far, no injuries and it has been controlled. During daytime hours, they are tolerant of each other.  No longer enemies, but not quite friends.

The guest however, is determined to be affectionate when we are sleeping. It will paw us, walk on us, even lick us to try to get affection while we sleep. It os so annoying, since I don’t sleep well as it is. My husband, who sleeps very soundly, is even complaining about the wake ups by this cat. 

I feel caught in a hard place. But, I won’t kick the cat out. I will just hope it gets better. 

Conditional love and support

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I was always under the impression that when you love someone, that love should be unconditional. Especially when it comes to loving a child. 

My oldest recently graduated high school. Because I haven’t been with her bio dad since she was a toddler, and he is married and his parents are divorced, there are 3 sets of grandparents on his side of the family. My husband’s parents are also divorced, so there are 3 sets on my side as well. Then, there is a bonus set, with my youngest child’s birth family, who treat all of our kids as their grandkids. 

So…who acknowledged my daughter’s big day? 

My mother came to the ceremony (my dad died last year for new followers).

My youngest son’s birth grandparents sent her a graduation card and gift.

One of 3 of my siblings sent a card and gift.

Her Godmother, who I speak with roughly once a year (because life is busy) showed up to the ceremony with a card and gift. 

My daughter stopped speaking to her bio dad a year ago. There are many reasons. At this point, she says she is no longer angry. She just feels this is the right choice for her, and life is better this way. However, whether she acknowledges him or not right now (cuz we all know relationships can change over time), him not showing uo to see her graduate sure won’t win him any points to mend the relationship. 

Not one grandparent on his side even sent a card or congratulated her. No acknowledgment. Apparently, their involvement is conditional on her relationship with him. 

My husband’s family also didn’t send any acknowledgements. I am not on good terms with one side, due to politics and my incredibly strong feeling regarding their support of Trump for president, and the implications all that brings. I don’t believe they could possibly be supportive of our family with their political views. But, our relationship shouldn’t extend to how they treat the kids…yet it is. None of my husband’s siblings sent any acknowledgements either.

And honestly, I am mad as hell.

A lesson in how people suck for sure. 

Dear daughter, let’s talk about sex

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The dreaded sex talk. But…I don’t dread it.

I don’t mean the talk about what sex is…I mean the talk about when it is apprioriate,  and the one where I ask you to come to me if you need anything.

I will not tell you “wait for marriage.” Actually, please don’t. What if you are sexually incompatible? That would be awful.

I will not tell you “if you have sex before age (fill in the blank) you are a slut/whore/bad person.” While I hope you wait until you are old enough to face any potential consequences (emotional, babies, etc), I just want you to choose the right person for the right reasons. That is all. If you are a teen, or adult…if it is right for you, then I am happy for you.

Sex isn’t taboo. It isn’t bad. It can be amazing. But that is dependant on it being with the right person, and being ready.

Honestly, when I was young, my mom made me think sex was very taboo. The girls having sex were whores, and I was forbidden to have sex until I was an adult. 

Waiting until adulthood isn’t a bad idea. But, honestly, it meant I didn’t lose my virginity to the right person. The person I wanted to lose it to died tragically before we were adults. So, when I was older I lost it to a boy who didn’t mean as much.

I don’t want to place such restrictions, or any guilt on you should you decide you want to have sex. It is your decision, and nobody else’s to make. As your mom, I just want to guide you to make good, responsible choices. Think of consequences for your decisions, and be prepared for any outcomes. I trust you to make good decisions. 

I just hope that when things get serious, you are comfortable enough to let me know, and to discuss anything you need to. 

When you hurt, I hurt

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My daughter is saying goodbye to some important people. Some of her very best friends this year were exchange students. As she graduates, and deals with that majir event, she must also say goodbye to her dear friends who must travel back to their countries. 

She is hurting. That means I am too. I truly feel her pain. I can do nothing to make it better. This is the hardest part of being a mom.