Black box warnings

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I had a lightbulb moment as I gave my son his bedtime prescription medicine to help him sleep. The damn medicine has a BLACK BOX WARNING!!

I suddenly understood his recent suicidal comment at 6 yo. And his recent chronic nightime fear of being murdered in his sleep.

I called the doctor and we are taking him off the medicine. It actually worked to keep him sleeping…but it is not ok for my 6yo to be thinking of murder or suicide.

So glad I realized the medication was the problem. I was in such a panic wondering what was happening to my sweet boy.

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Suicidal thoughts of a child

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My 6yo expressed that he thinks of killing himself. Six year old. 6. Wtf?

He had a perfectly normal day. Mostly very happy. But in the evening hours, as my 9 yo boys meds for ADHD wear off, things always get harder.

The 9yo gets mean. He sometimes gets aggressive. He is more impulsive, and doesn’t think about consequences of words or actions. Truth be told, he can be like this during the day too…but in the evening it is basically guaranteed.

My 9yo also has reactive attachment disorder. Which means we live in a special kind of hell sometimes.

My 6yo struggles with anxiety. But this is the first time I have heard him express thoughts of suicide. And I am terrified.

He says his brother hates him. He is mean. He said he would be better off dead and in heaven, where it is perfect.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

What the hell do I do??

We talked, we cuddled. But I want to take this seriously. Can a 6yo take anxiety meds?

I distrust therapy since the therapist for my 9yo suggested disolving the adoption.

Scared. Worried. Sad.

The difference a day makes

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Yesterday I woke in a fabulous mood. Since I absolutely hate mornings, this is rare. It usually takes me a few hours to get into the day. But yesterday, I felt great.

It took me a bit to figure out why. The night before my husband took the kids to a movie, and I had a few hours to myself. I could have gotten housework done. I chose to eat chips and ice cream and binge watch some tv.

It was fabulous. Truly. Self care is something I fail miserably at…and this proves it is very much needed.

Today, my anxiety is up. What tipped me off to my amped up anxiety? Well, I had a completely irrational reaction to my husband and his awful memory today.

It isn’t even a big deal. A few towels that were in a travel container for one of our many pets were in the wrong place. He insisted he didn’t move them. Yet the container is now stuffed with other things, and the towels were moved. He is an organizer…he was “cleaning” up and organizing. He just doesn’t remember. I am 100% certain I didn’t do it, so that only leaves him.

And it isn’t a big deal. It doesn’t really matter at all. But I felt irrationally angry at his denial.

So, I am thinking about what my anxiety is REALLY about.

My daughter moving out of the country soon.

School starting in a few weeks. We are sending our kids to a new school this fall.

My sweet dog has a vet appointment to be spayed coming up. Surgeries scare the shit out of me.

Then, there is the relationship, or lack of, with my mother. Realizing she KNOWS she missed my boys birthdays, yet makes excuses and will not apologize on her own. She won’t call, since she knows she made a mistake. She will literally die never speaking to me again, rather than admit she was wrong. If I want any relationship, I have to suck it up and call her. And I am SO TIRED of playing these games with her.

Then, the crazy things that I think daily, due to anxiety…

Will there be an accident today? Will a kid get hurt today? Broken bones? Stitches? Death? Do any of us have undiagnosed diseases, like cancer?

My brain thinks in worst case scenarios.

Anxiety, I loathe you.

One month

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One month left…just one. And then my daughter moves acrossed the ocean, to a foreign country.

She will barely be 19 yo. She had one year away at school. But that college was not too far away. She could come home on a whim. She visited often. In an emergency, it was just 1 hour away.

Now, she will be a full day, and plane ride over the ocean, too far away. It will be expensive to reach her. In an emergency, I cannot be there.

I am happy for her. I really am. She has crazy confidence to pursue her dreams. I think she will be ok.

I am profoundly sad too. Sad I will be so far, unable to attend performances and watch her grow within the program of the school.

I believe in her.

My anxiety is really starting to take hold though. What if she gets sick? What if she gets hurt? What about terrorist attacks? School shootings? Human trafficking?

I know it sounds crazy…but anxiety doesn’t care about being rational.

One month. That is all the time I have left…

*Sigh

Life, death, and writing a will

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My husband and I have been talking about writing a will for a long time.

Talking is all that is happening, and we haven’t actually accomplished anything further.

We have NO IDEA who to ask to care for our children in the event that tragedy strikes.

We each have siblings, but we don’t believe any of them are good options. Hard to admit that. Sad too.

We don’t have any really close friends.

Thinking about what would happen to our kids is terrifying. We need to make a plan. Ahhh!!

If I had to pick today, I would honestly say a couple we recently met would be our best option. They are new friends…but we seem to have similar parenting styles. But we hardly know them. We have only had our families together on 2 occasions.

Yes, sadly they would currently be my first choice.

Clearly, we need more friends and better family.

Frustrated about making a will. It will keep getting put off until we have a good plan. But…will we ever have a good plan? I don’t know.

Bedtime anxiety

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My youngest has been crying again at night before bed.

His new anxiety involves robbers coming in at night to kill him. He is 6yo. Where does this fear come from?

He is currently sleeping on a makeshift bed in our bedroom. And he still worries.

I assure him he is safe. I explain our 2 dogs would never allow an intruder in the house without making tons of noise and protecting us. His response is that a robber would be able to kill the dogs.

When I tell him I would protect him, he cries harder saying, “then you will die too.”

Last night, he gripped my neck tightly, softly crying as I sang him to sleep.

I don’t know what to do to make him feel better sometimes.

Anxiety is cruel.

Oceans between us

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My little girl (not really so little anymore) is officially moving to England this fall.

She is enrolled in school (grateful for that), has flights booked, and even has roundtrip flights purchased to visit at Christmas.

She is really moving…to a foreign country, acrossed the ocean, far from home.

I am remarkably calm.

I wish she would go after college here. But it is no longer my choice, it is hers.

My biggest concern is accidents, injuries, or illness.

I am also super sad I will miss performances (she is a musical theater major).

But, I am also super proud. She is living her dreams. She is going out into the world, and jumping head first into life. Her confidence is admirable. She will be ok.

She will be missed.

I am ok. I will worry. But I will let her live her dreams. This is what we wish for our kids. When it happens, we just aren’t as ready as they are.

When dads away…

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My husband is out of town for a work conference. Of course, this means my RAD kiddo is displaying some awful behavior for me. Things he would NEVER do while his dad was home. Extreme things.

Last time my husband was away, RAD shoved little into the road, with a truck coming. My husband thinks I exaggerated the situation, and it literally almost ended our marriage. We love each other fiercely, but he has to trust me at my word about RAD and his behaviors. This is a longtime issue with us. He is in denial sometimes, due to the most extreme behavior happening while he is gone.

Well, when my husband left RAD sobbed like he was dying. It was really cute how sad he was…but I also know it spells trouble for me.

I had our little hedgehog outside in a pet fenced area, to enjoy some sunshine. The pet gate is too tall for my kids to climb over. Hedgie should have been safe.

As I came out the patio door from filling my glass of water, I find RAD poking hedgie with a stick. Hard. Fml.

He can’t be unsupervised. Exhausting. Impossible.

Our house is loaded with cameras for safety.

Sometimes RAD is overwhelming.

Empathy and illness

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Is there a thing that empathetic people can literally feel the pain of others?

My daughter had a headache, and I didn’t. However, within 30 min of hearing about her headache, I started getting one.

A few weeks ago, my husband had stomach pains. I also started to feel sick.

My dad used to get all of my mom’s illnesses. She would rant and rave about what a jerk he was, trying to make himself the center of attention.

Is it possible he was very empathetic, and had pains because she did?

Sympathy pain?

Is this real?

Is there a name for it?

Anyone else experience this?

Update: good deeds do not go unpunished

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If you read my previous post regarding the fostering of dogs, you will remember that the larger dog was acting aggressively toward my pets.

It got worse. Much, much worse.

I begged to exchange dogs with someone who could better handle this dog. Nobody came forward to help, and I was basically shamed for asking for help. I was told I was inexperienced and that this dog had been fine previously (implying it was somehow my fault he was aggressive).

Finally after a heated online exchange the rescue owner told me I could bring him to her, 3 hours away. Of course it was followed with she could not help with driving. I said, “no problem, happy to drive him!”

I immediately started getting private messages indicating she couldn’t REALLY help.

By this point, I had enough. The dog had chewed a leash and tried to kill my rabbit, but she was able to hide.

There was no way this dog could stay. The next morning as we readied ourselves for our 6 hrs of driving we let the dog outside. First, I walked him several blocks, about 20 minutes or so to get some energy out.

When I came back with him, I leashed him on a long chain with his leash looped on the end for extra stretching room. I sat to enjoy a cup of coffee with my husband, the dog laying with his back to us.

All of a sudden…he was bolting acrossed the yard. He had chewed ANOTHER LEASH IN HALF! It happened in less than 5 minutes, and neither of us realized it. We thought he was basking in the morning sun.

My bunny was under our camper. Hidden. But seen by this dog. She was no longer safe, as the dog sprinted to the camper and squeezed under so fast I could barely process the situation. My husband and I both ran to save our bunny. My husband pulled the dog out, risking being bitten himself. I crawled under looking to find my rabbit. White puffs of fur were on the ground, and she was there, unmoving.

I picked up my completely limp rabbit, searching for life and injuries. She was alive, but clearly in shock. The shock alone could kill her. She had a small wound by her leg, but nothing was broken, and the wound wasn’t life threatening. The shock was though.

I held her for over an hour, soothing her, calming her. I still had a 6 hour drive (3 there, 3 back) to accomplish that day.

We left later than intended, based on caring for her. I felt awful leaving her, but I had gotten her to eat a few bites, and she was no longer feeling limp. She could move, although much slower and more deliberately, clearly feeling sore. I gated off a small area and left her shelter, food, and water. A smaller area so she wouldn’t move too much or too fast.

We dropped of the dogs, and made it home to find the bunny was still alive. Yay! I moved her indoors to make a better recovery and to keep a closer eye on her.

I will never bring in unknown animals again. No good deed goes unpunished. Truly.