Migraines and meds

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Last night I thought I was having a heart attack. The likely cause? A side effect of a new med I take to try to prevent migraines.

Verapamil. My body is not a fan of this.

I have felt like crap since starting this. Tired. Feverish, though no actual fever…but the same sick feeling as if there were. Constipation. Is that too much to say? Literally, cannot go at all unless I take milk of magnesia at the highest dose, for 2 days!! And I hate the taste of it, so I try to avoid it. I am seriously gaining weight likely because I am literally full of shit. And then the chest pain. Oh my…I almost went to the ER. I still wonder if I should have.

Last week I called the doctor saying I wasn’t liking this med. I was encouraged to wait longer, and discuss it in another month. After the chest pains, I called again. I have an appointment for tomorrow.

Anyone else have migraines? Used verapamil?

Have any other suggestions???

Migraines suck.

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Mothers

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If you have been reading this blog for awhile, you know my relationship with my mother is very dysfunctional.

If you are new…to keep it brief I will just say it is a pretty toxic relationship. She thrives on chaos and unhappiness. She loves control. She hates my independence and happiness.

So it has been 5 full months since we have spoken. At all. She ignored my boys birthdays like they didnt exist. Their grandma ignored their birthday!! Wtf.

So I had decided to ignore her until she apologized. But, alas, she won and I finally called.

I didn’t let her off the hook. I asked if she was ready to apologize. I almost hung up on her when she acted like she had no idea what I was talking about. I told her we wouldn’t speak again until she admitted she was treating us badly, and apologized for it.

I don’t think an apology from her is sincere, but she apologized.

Much of the rest of the conversation involved her trying to get me to feel sorry for her. But I just don’t. I can’t. If she hasn’t learned to help herself at all over the years, she never will.

I hate that things are the way they are.

I know she immediately told my siblings I called yelling at her. Any information I may have shared about my life (I have learned the hard way to keep it minimal) will be twisted and have her dramatic spin put on it. It is what it is.

I didn’t have grandparents growing up. It hurts to know my kids have the opportunity to have many. But none really step up.

I caved. I am always the one who caves and tries to fix things. Someday, I may stop trying. Who knows?

24 hrs left.

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Today is Sept 11th. We are all thinking and reliving the feeling of the terrorist attacks that happened 17 yrs ago.

If I think about it too much, I begin to have a panic attack. I was far from where anything happened. But, the footage is seared into my memory. I will never forget.

I have a fear of flying. It is because of these attacks. I will never be able to fly without absolute and overwhelming fear. Hearing the recordings of those calling loved ones is soul crushing. Seeing footage of planes crashing is traumatic.

My daughter flies out of the country tomorrow. She is pursuing her dreams. She will study abroad and get her college degree the way she dreams.

I am always slightly panicked when she flies. But this time is far worse. This time, it isn’t a short vacation. This time she is moving acrossed an ocean. This time she is flying after 9/11 memories replay everywhere, especially in my head.

I am outwardly calm. Inside, I am panicking. I cannot let her know my fears. I cannot let her see my panic. I will stay calm. I will stay calm. I will stay calm.

But, I am not calm. Part of me is screaming inside.

I am proud of her. Her independence. Her courage. Her willingness to just go live her dreams. I want so much success for her.

24 hours. That is all I have left. And she will be on her way. She will visit…I know. 24 hours…and then I can let my emotions go. Panic will grip me until she lands safely. Then, the reality that school for her is no longer an hour drive. There will be no random weekends home. No drive to eat together.

Shit. I am a mess. But I will stay calm.

Black box warnings

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I had a lightbulb moment as I gave my son his bedtime prescription medicine to help him sleep. The damn medicine has a BLACK BOX WARNING!!

I suddenly understood his recent suicidal comment at 6 yo. And his recent chronic nightime fear of being murdered in his sleep.

I called the doctor and we are taking him off the medicine. It actually worked to keep him sleeping…but it is not ok for my 6yo to be thinking of murder or suicide.

So glad I realized the medication was the problem. I was in such a panic wondering what was happening to my sweet boy.

Suicidal thoughts of a child

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My 6yo expressed that he thinks of killing himself. Six year old. 6. Wtf?

He had a perfectly normal day. Mostly very happy. But in the evening hours, as my 9 yo boys meds for ADHD wear off, things always get harder.

The 9yo gets mean. He sometimes gets aggressive. He is more impulsive, and doesn’t think about consequences of words or actions. Truth be told, he can be like this during the day too…but in the evening it is basically guaranteed.

My 9yo also has reactive attachment disorder. Which means we live in a special kind of hell sometimes.

My 6yo struggles with anxiety. But this is the first time I have heard him express thoughts of suicide. And I am terrified.

He says his brother hates him. He is mean. He said he would be better off dead and in heaven, where it is perfect.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

What the hell do I do??

We talked, we cuddled. But I want to take this seriously. Can a 6yo take anxiety meds?

I distrust therapy since the therapist for my 9yo suggested disolving the adoption.

Scared. Worried. Sad.

The difference a day makes

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Yesterday I woke in a fabulous mood. Since I absolutely hate mornings, this is rare. It usually takes me a few hours to get into the day. But yesterday, I felt great.

It took me a bit to figure out why. The night before my husband took the kids to a movie, and I had a few hours to myself. I could have gotten housework done. I chose to eat chips and ice cream and binge watch some tv.

It was fabulous. Truly. Self care is something I fail miserably at…and this proves it is very much needed.

Today, my anxiety is up. What tipped me off to my amped up anxiety? Well, I had a completely irrational reaction to my husband and his awful memory today.

It isn’t even a big deal. A few towels that were in a travel container for one of our many pets were in the wrong place. He insisted he didn’t move them. Yet the container is now stuffed with other things, and the towels were moved. He is an organizer…he was “cleaning” up and organizing. He just doesn’t remember. I am 100% certain I didn’t do it, so that only leaves him.

And it isn’t a big deal. It doesn’t really matter at all. But I felt irrationally angry at his denial.

So, I am thinking about what my anxiety is REALLY about.

My daughter moving out of the country soon.

School starting in a few weeks. We are sending our kids to a new school this fall.

My sweet dog has a vet appointment to be spayed coming up. Surgeries scare the shit out of me.

Then, there is the relationship, or lack of, with my mother. Realizing she KNOWS she missed my boys birthdays, yet makes excuses and will not apologize on her own. She won’t call, since she knows she made a mistake. She will literally die never speaking to me again, rather than admit she was wrong. If I want any relationship, I have to suck it up and call her. And I am SO TIRED of playing these games with her.

Then, the crazy things that I think daily, due to anxiety…

Will there be an accident today? Will a kid get hurt today? Broken bones? Stitches? Death? Do any of us have undiagnosed diseases, like cancer?

My brain thinks in worst case scenarios.

Anxiety, I loathe you.

One month

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One month left…just one. And then my daughter moves acrossed the ocean, to a foreign country.

She will barely be 19 yo. She had one year away at school. But that college was not too far away. She could come home on a whim. She visited often. In an emergency, it was just 1 hour away.

Now, she will be a full day, and plane ride over the ocean, too far away. It will be expensive to reach her. In an emergency, I cannot be there.

I am happy for her. I really am. She has crazy confidence to pursue her dreams. I think she will be ok.

I am profoundly sad too. Sad I will be so far, unable to attend performances and watch her grow within the program of the school.

I believe in her.

My anxiety is really starting to take hold though. What if she gets sick? What if she gets hurt? What about terrorist attacks? School shootings? Human trafficking?

I know it sounds crazy…but anxiety doesn’t care about being rational.

One month. That is all the time I have left…

*Sigh

Life, death, and writing a will

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My husband and I have been talking about writing a will for a long time.

Talking is all that is happening, and we haven’t actually accomplished anything further.

We have NO IDEA who to ask to care for our children in the event that tragedy strikes.

We each have siblings, but we don’t believe any of them are good options. Hard to admit that. Sad too.

We don’t have any really close friends.

Thinking about what would happen to our kids is terrifying. We need to make a plan. Ahhh!!

If I had to pick today, I would honestly say a couple we recently met would be our best option. They are new friends…but we seem to have similar parenting styles. But we hardly know them. We have only had our families together on 2 occasions.

Yes, sadly they would currently be my first choice.

Clearly, we need more friends and better family.

Frustrated about making a will. It will keep getting put off until we have a good plan. But…will we ever have a good plan? I don’t know.

Bedtime anxiety

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My youngest has been crying again at night before bed.

His new anxiety involves robbers coming in at night to kill him. He is 6yo. Where does this fear come from?

He is currently sleeping on a makeshift bed in our bedroom. And he still worries.

I assure him he is safe. I explain our 2 dogs would never allow an intruder in the house without making tons of noise and protecting us. His response is that a robber would be able to kill the dogs.

When I tell him I would protect him, he cries harder saying, “then you will die too.”

Last night, he gripped my neck tightly, softly crying as I sang him to sleep.

I don’t know what to do to make him feel better sometimes.

Anxiety is cruel.

Oceans between us

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My little girl (not really so little anymore) is officially moving to England this fall.

She is enrolled in school (grateful for that), has flights booked, and even has roundtrip flights purchased to visit at Christmas.

She is really moving…to a foreign country, acrossed the ocean, far from home.

I am remarkably calm.

I wish she would go after college here. But it is no longer my choice, it is hers.

My biggest concern is accidents, injuries, or illness.

I am also super sad I will miss performances (she is a musical theater major).

But, I am also super proud. She is living her dreams. She is going out into the world, and jumping head first into life. Her confidence is admirable. She will be ok.

She will be missed.

I am ok. I will worry. But I will let her live her dreams. This is what we wish for our kids. When it happens, we just aren’t as ready as they are.