Roses…make me feel blue


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My littlest boy, the sweet sensitive soul that he is, cried tonight in bed.

He saw a rose in the house. It was given to my oldest when a boy asked her to prom. This rose brought up sad memories…

He told me, “I am feeling sad vecause I saw that rose. It made me remember the roses from when we buried Pa. And the rose I had, I accidentally kicked it and I killed it. It’s dead, and I killed it…” 

He was crying so hard. I assured him it wasnt his fault. The flowers had been put on the seat next to his car seat. When he climbed in, his foot hit one, and the stem broke near the top of the flower. At the time it was also very sad for him. The flowers were taken from the display on my father’s casket.

Now, he layed next to me. Rying, and I asked if he was sad about the flower, or about remembering the burial. My little one cried harder and said both. He said he couldn’t get it out of his eyes…he could see it in bis eyes when he closed them. He says this a lot a bedtime, that he sees images in his eyes. I try to explain it is his thoughts, memories, or imagination.

This rose triggering this memory, so close to the anniversary of my dad’s death…this sweet sensitive boy…I love him so much.

“Not the Mama”


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Yesterday we spent time with my youngest son’s birthfamily. It seems inevitable that some things are said that irritate me.

The first thing that made me cringe was his grandpa calling him the wrong name. He called him by his name given to him by his birthmom, rather than the name we use. This name is now his middle name. But his name has been changed legally for 3 yrs now. This birth name is a name our family never used, and one only he (grandpa) tried to enforce. He hasn’t used it mistakenly in a long time. My son gave him a strange look, and refused to answer him when he did this. Not until grandpa used the proper name did he respond. 

Then, some of their extended family showed up without our prior knowledge that they would be there. This is uncomfortable.

One relative in particular really gets under my skin. He comments online often, referring to his birthmom as my son’s mom instead of me. Prior to his adoption, when he was still placed with us thru foster care, this man would always emphasize we were FOSTER PARENTS when he spoke to us, even when we knew we were going to be adopting. He basically has never accepted the situation.

While we were eating, I offered my little guy a vegetable. He said no. I proceeded to put a little amount on his plate, saying, “I’m the mom, so I get to decide what goes on the plate.” This man laughed and said, “I’m sorry…but that reminds me of ‘not the mama’ from that tv show dinosaurs.”

I could not believe it. He actually encouraged my son to say I am not his mom. What an ass.

I had a hard time dealing with the rest of the day. 

It is 24 hrs later, and my blood is still boiling. If he ever shows up at their home while we are there again, we will be leaving.  

Recovery is slow


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My little missed the whole week of school this week. He had his tonsils out last Wednesday and he is still not himself. I even called to see if he could get a prescription. They do not give pain relief to children besides over the counter ibruprofen and acetaminophen. It is outrageous. Especially when watching your child in pain. They did give an anti-inflammatory type medicine, but I dont think it helped.

He was great the first 2 days. I thought recovery would be a breeze. Day 3, he went very downhill. He just randomly screams in pain. I honestly wonder if there is a nerve exposed or something. 

They say to give it 2 weeks, although young kids they expect to typically recover more quickly.

We are supposed to have a busy full weekend. I will need to cut some of that short.

I also haven’t slept in bed with my husband all week…and that just sucks. 

Tonsils and babies


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What a crazy few days we have had!

My little got his tonsils out. He did really great the first 2 days. The last 2 days, not so great. I caved and called the doctor asking for something to soothe him. They no longer give prescription pain meds to kids. But they did give something to reduce swelling.

Then, on top of that, we are still negotiating the surrogacy idea. So, we are preparing for initial appointments, meetings, and contracts. It is difficult to do with all that is happening. 

Timing is everything


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I had been considering a surrogate pregnancy. I feel awful, but I feel like the time frame we had originally discussed has now passed, and I dont think this pregnancy will work out anymore.

There were circumstances that were unforeseen, and it is nobody’s fault. I understand the delay…but unfortunately feel like it changes circumstances for me and my family. 

I feel horrible for the intended parents involved. I did want to help them out. I hate feeling like I disappoint people. 

I am hoping I can help them find someone who can work with their time frame. 

They are hoping to convince me this will still work. I just don’t see it…

We meet tonight to discuss further. 

That damn cat


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I have a fairly cool cat. She comes when you call her name, like a dog would. She is social, and likes being around people. She will lay on your lap, and take a nap.

But recently, my daughter accidentally locked her in our basement overnight. She has no litterbox there. She ended up pooping in the floor.

And she hasn’t been the same since.

Now, we randomly find small blobs of poo, outside the box, and in random places. She has been a real pain in the ass lately. 

I don’t know if that night screwed up her digestive system or what. It has been 2 months, and she is still having issues. I am not pleased.

Entitled friendsĀ 


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So, last night my teen daughter’s friend called me to try to convince me I was wrong to punish her. 

He kept saying, in this patronizing tone of voice, “do you really think grounding her will help?” Along with, “why do you yell? My parents have NEVER yelled at me.”

I was losing my mind. This entitled brat thought he could question my parenting?

His parents didn’t yell? 1. That isn’t believable. 2. Maybe if they had, he wouldn’t be so disrespectful as to call another parent and think he could overrule their parenting. 

He has also sent me messages several times on my daughter’s curfew. He doesnt have a curfew, so why does my daughter have one?

I can tell you, I find this so disrespectful of this kid. 

Who does he think he is that he can call and question my rules and parenting. What a brat!

Sex headaches


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As if migraines and tension headaches aren’t awful enough, I have now started to get excruciating headaches during sex. W.t.f.

So, next time I see my neurologist, I will be faced with the uncomfortable discussion about these new symptoms, and how to just MAKE IT STOP!

As the mother of 3 kids, sex isn’t happening as often as it ought to as it is. Now, add to that sudden pain, and I am absolutely defeated.

Why me? 

Scholarship procrastination


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My teen is filling out scholarship forms for college. We had one that we wanted to be sure she took her time with, and did her best work. But, we also emphasized not to wait til the last minute. This is one that will have less competition, is for quite a bit of money, and is good for all four years (not just a one time gift). 

So, after talking this to death, guess who waited til the last minute? And guess who is now grounded for her procrastination? Yup, my kiddo.

I was furious as she sat, filling the papers out, the night before they must be postmarked. She wrote her essay over the weekend. She then read the papers and realized she needed a recommendation from a teacher and copies of her transcripts. She left today for an out of state school trip, which would have meant we had to mail it. But, then the best part was she realized my husband also had to fill in some areas and sign ( the scholarship is given by the company he works for). So, he left work earlier than usual, insanely angry, to get this done, and get it mailed.

Why do we care if it is still on time?

She procrastinates with everything. And, while she gets it done, this will bite her in the ass at some point. My best example is when signing up for college classes. She has some classes she must take, each year, or she will not graduate on time. In the event she procrastinates, and a class is full and she has to wait to take it, she will not graduate with her class.

She doesn’t seem to grasp how this can happen. She doesn’t seem to take things seriously. 

I think because we saved enough money for college she feels she doesn’t have to worry about scholarships. But, that isn’t the case…and we can still transfer the saved money to other accounts if she isn’t responsible.

Overall, she is a very good kid. I know that. But it is because we are strict. 

It sucks that the night before she goes on a trip, we were fighting. But, that is life with a teenager I guess…

Fears, and reality


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One of my daughter’s classmates lost their mom this past week. She’d been sick with cancer for many years. It wasn’t unexpected. Yet, it is still tragic and sad.

This girl, she has never been too kind. I would say she is kind of a dick. But, life taught her hard lessons early. So, while that doesn’t make her attitude ok, it does help give an understanding.

My daughter tries to be a good friend, tolerating some unnecessary bullshit sometimes, to go out of her way to be friends.

She will attend the funeral. She will be supportive. For that, I am proud of her.

But, as this all happens, and as I try to explain emotions that go with this, I also realize it stirs emotions in me.

I just lost my dad in the last year. I know how that feels. 

But even bigger than that…it makes me worry about my kids losing me…or their dad. The tragedy that is early death, especially with kids involved. It makes me wonder how they would cope…and what it would mean.

There is no reason to think this would happen. My greatest health issue is migraine headaches. But, it is a fear. A fear that I won’t see them grow up. That they would be traumatized as kids. I fear something happening and missing their lives.

Clearly, I am a worst case scenario thinker. I live with a ton of unnecessary anxiety.

But…this is where my thoughts go. 

Thinking of the kids from this family today…and their terrible loss at their young age.