*WARNING this is about abuse, and may not be for all readers.*
As a foster parent, I lied on many of the questionaires. You must fill out countless pages of crap regarding your personal history, your upbringing, your personal traumas, and even your family members personal traumas you may be aware of. I knew answering some of this with honesty would result in a lot of uncomfortable questions, and possibly limit placements we received. Also, I live in a chronic state of denial with some of my past,and didn’t need it all to resurface.
I just 2 foster placements in my time that mirrored my personal abuse.
One was a case of a girl being sexually assaulted by her mother’s boyfriend.
This happened to me. At one point at age 14 my mom had developed an attachment to another man. She’d decided she’d leave my dad, and move with this man after my older brother graduated high school. She intended to take me with her but leave my younger brothers with my father.
She taught me that my dad was ignorant. He didn’t love me the way this man did. She told me to call this new man “daddy.” I did. He promised me his new black BMW when I turned 16. He bought me and my friends alcohol when I asked as a secret between us. He also liked to touch me inappropriately when no one was looking. He carried my photo in his wallet.
Do you see the pain and regret I live with now that my dad died? I don’t know how much of the “affair” he knew, or how involved I was in it. It was a cruel time. But I trusted my mom and she manipulated me.
The next time I dealt with a parallel life situation was another teen girl. She’d been sexually abused by a family member. She was much stronger than me because she told. But, she dealt with suicidal thoughts regularly, and needed a lot of help and counseling.
I’ve been assaulted by 2 family members. I won’t disclose who they were even in this anonymous blog. I am not ready. This is the first I’ve spoken of it to begin with.
One was a closer family member than the other. Both were trusted. Both were older. Both I expressed that I didn’t like what they were doing, and was threatened.
These are things I don’t often think about. When I had these placements of these kids, my background prompted me to fight extra hard for them.
Now, it’s been a long time since these kids have come and gone. I still can’t seem to vocalize my personal issues.
Recently, one of my family abusers made a sexually comment towards me. He thought he was funny. I felt so immediately sick and angry. I didn’t respond. But this is a person I still have a relationship with due to being family. When it’s a family member…things are really complicated. I also still have a relationship with the other family abuser so well. It’s kind of crazy how these things work.
I’ve also dealt with abuse by nonfamily members. I feel like as a kid I must have had a neon sign for abusers. I only told once. The first time. I saw little come of it, and never told again. I was 5 years old. The boy was a teenage neighborhood kid.
At least when they aren’t family it’s easy to never deal with them again. When it’s a family member, future contact is hard to avoid.
I wish I could just say something. But, I wont. Our family is going thru so much as it is, with trying to find our fitting now that my dad is gone.
I’ll silently cope, as I always have. But lately, it’s been hard to lock that little box in my brain that holds my secrets. I did so good for so long.
Thanks for listening.