I love those fb pages for local resale items. Recently, while scrolling a page, a name jumped at me and made me sick to my stomach. A name I haven’t seen in years, and try to forget.
*THIS POST MAY BE A TRIGGER POST TO SEXUAL ASSAULT VICTIMS*
This name screamed up at me from the screen…a last name of a guy who once assaulted me.
It was before I was a mom. At the time, I was making a lit of bad choices. I was hanging around with some people I shouldn’t have been hanging with.
It happened because I saw a boy. I knew the moment I saw him, he would be my boyfriend. And, he was. I didnt know he was involved in selling drugs, and would put me in many uncomfortable situations. Situations Inwould ignore, because I was infatuated with this boy…convincing myself I could get him to stop this lifestyle and be a good man. Convinced he just needed me to help him. But, he would never change, and he would end up in prison with the rest of his friends.
This other guy…the one with the name…he was the “leader” of this little group. He felt he had power, and he did. The rest did what he said. Girls who hung around all threw themselves at this guy because he was “in charge.” I couldn’t understand it…he didn’t impress me. I never treated him differently. I never kissed his ass or gave him attention. This is why he took interest in me.
He was married. He cheated on his wife constantly. She knew it. She cheated too. But, occasionally things between them would get heated, and someone would react. She put another girl in the hospital for sleeping with her husband. She was intimidating to me…more so than he was. Both were known to carry a gun.
I was no longer seeing my boyfriend. We had split up, but I had become friendly enough with the others that I was still hanging around. I wanted him back. He was the first guy I had ever slept with. I was convinced I loved him. I was 19 yrs old.
This guy with the name…he felt I was a challenge. The only girl hanging around who wasn’t interested in him, his money, or his perceived power.
He stopped me outside to “talk.” Offered to speak with my former boyfriend about trying to fix us. But, he wanted something in return. And, it wasn’t optional. He would take what he wanted.
I was naive. I didn’t realize he would do what he wanted. I didn’t realize the “favor” he wanted. He asked me to meet him. I went willingly, not realizing what would happen.
When I arrived, he asked why I was so cold toward him. Why I didn’t like him like the others. Why I was “above” him, or thought I was. I threatened his ego.
I was told I would have sex with him. I refused. He placed a gun on the table. He told me his wife had a matching gun. He said if I willingly had sex with him, she would never know. He assured me nobody would know. He needed this for himself…to know he could have the girl who blew him off in front of the others. I had embarrassed him.
He said if I refused, his wife would be told I was having sex with him regularly. He would tell her…and she was still angry from the last girl. It wouldn’t end well for me. And this girl, she scared me.
He assured me I had a choice. But what was my choice? The gun on the table didn’t FEEL like a choice.
I didn’t participate. He did what he wanted to do. When he finished, I insulted him…even with the gun in arms reach.
He stayed true to his word, and nobody knew. Except me…I knew, and felt disgusted.
I began to put distance between myself and these people. A few weeks later, they were served with a search warrant and arrested for selling drugs. I was supposed to be there, but had made an excuse.
I had never participated in their illegal activity. I was “just a girl” that was around. The boy I thought I loved…he was also arrested. We would write letters for years as he served his time. But I would grow up, move on, and realize he wasn’t good for me.
The guy with the name…I had put this incident in the sealed part of my mind. The place where it was no longer thought of, not a part of me. But, it is a part of me. Even if I try to forget. Seeing the name pop acrossed the screen flooded me with the memories. The name…makes me sick.
Today, I just hope my daughter never endures the things I did. That she makes better choices, and steers clear of the “bad boys” I found irresistible.
And, I hope I can put all of this back in the part of my brain where I can forget again, and just be a mom and wife.