I see all these internet memes anout how parenting is hard. How it is ok to have bad days, as long as you don’t give up.
Well, what if I do give up?
What if I said years ago, this placement was all wrong. What if I said I knew I couldn’t handle these particular behaviors? What if I knew my limits, and begged for a way out before it was too late.
This happened. Prior to adoption of my middle, these conversations happened with my husband. Only, he didn’t feel the same way. He isn’t middles target person. He doesn’t get all the constant battles I do. Plus, he goes to work, while I am home.
It became a choice for me. Keep my marriage, and keep trying with middle…or end my marriage and walk away.
I love my husband. When I imagine my future, it is with him. We have been together for a long, long time. We have made it through some challenging things.
I chose to keep trying, hoping it would get easier. But, it hasn’t gotten easier. Instead, middle gets older, and behaviors are that much harder to manage.
Now, I am just miserable. My marriage is strong. Our only disagreements are over middle, and how to handle him.
With recent aggression towards my pets, I have had to consider losing all my animals for everyone’s safety. My husband knows I would never be happy with that situation. He has offered to live apart, yet still be together.
I don’t think this would work long term. If I did, I would jump at the chance. But it won’t.
Middle is making us all miserable. He is defiant to an extreme. He takes no responsibility for his actions. Because of his issues, consequences don’t really phase him. I can remove a privilege and he doesn’t care. He is happy to do absolutely nothing rather than follow a direction I give him. He would rather stand and stare than play happily, if that is what I want him to do. Not kidding. This is reality.
Because of little’s genetics, I worry about the chaos in our home caused by middle. Little is super sweet, and very sensitive. Middle preys on his sensitivity, and is most often mean to him. Sometimes physically aggressive as well.
Middle must be supervised all the time. This is pretty much impossible. But I try.
I am exhausted. I am tired of feeling angry and attacked. I am tired of worrying. I am tired of judgement. I am just tired…
I am seriously considering living apart. I know it will likely kill my marriage. But, I feel he made the choice when he didn’t hear my concerns early in the situation. He decided when I was given the ultimatum of trying or leaving.
I tried. So hard. But maybe I am a shitty parent if I have to give up to save myself. Maybe I shouldn’t have tried. I should have listened to myself, knowing my limits, and walked earlier. But I don’t truly WANT to give up. I just feel so broken it is hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel. Life is hard. It shouldn’t be this hard.
Now, we are all…family. For better or worse, we are. And now, little is hurt, either way. Either he lives in chaos and anxiety, or family is divided. Middle is hurt, because another person gives up. And any harsh judgments cannot possibly make me feel worse about myself, trust me. My marriage suffers, and who knows if it can survive, no matter what we do.
It seems there is no right answer here.
Depression and anxiety are so real right now.
And, because nobody understands our journey, I have literally nobody I can call and talk it out with. Most of my othet mom friends couldn’t deal with middle and his behaviors. They faded away.
How do I make this work? How do I fix this? I do WANT it fixed.
I know I sound harsh with what I say about middle. I do love him, or I wouldn’t have tried. It is just hard to like him, and that is difficult to admit. Rather than bring me joy, he often brings me pain. It doesn’t mean I don’t love him. It just means it is harder than with my others.