Today is Sept 11th. We are all thinking and reliving the feeling of the terrorist attacks that happened 17 yrs ago.
If I think about it too much, I begin to have a panic attack. I was far from where anything happened. But, the footage is seared into my memory. I will never forget.
I have a fear of flying. It is because of these attacks. I will never be able to fly without absolute and overwhelming fear. Hearing the recordings of those calling loved ones is soul crushing. Seeing footage of planes crashing is traumatic.
My daughter flies out of the country tomorrow. She is pursuing her dreams. She will study abroad and get her college degree the way she dreams.
I am always slightly panicked when she flies. But this time is far worse. This time, it isn’t a short vacation. This time she is moving acrossed an ocean. This time she is flying after 9/11 memories replay everywhere, especially in my head.
I am outwardly calm. Inside, I am panicking. I cannot let her know my fears. I cannot let her see my panic. I will stay calm. I will stay calm. I will stay calm.
But, I am not calm. Part of me is screaming inside.
I am proud of her. Her independence. Her courage. Her willingness to just go live her dreams. I want so much success for her.
24 hours. That is all I have left. And she will be on her way. She will visit…I know. 24 hours…and then I can let my emotions go. Panic will grip me until she lands safely. Then, the reality that school for her is no longer an hour drive. There will be no random weekends home. No drive to eat together.
Shit. I am a mess. But I will stay calm.