Yesterday I woke in a fabulous mood. Since I absolutely hate mornings, this is rare. It usually takes me a few hours to get into the day. But yesterday, I felt great.
It took me a bit to figure out why. The night before my husband took the kids to a movie, and I had a few hours to myself. I could have gotten housework done. I chose to eat chips and ice cream and binge watch some tv.
It was fabulous. Truly. Self care is something I fail miserably at…and this proves it is very much needed.
Today, my anxiety is up. What tipped me off to my amped up anxiety? Well, I had a completely irrational reaction to my husband and his awful memory today.
It isn’t even a big deal. A few towels that were in a travel container for one of our many pets were in the wrong place. He insisted he didn’t move them. Yet the container is now stuffed with other things, and the towels were moved. He is an organizer…he was “cleaning” up and organizing. He just doesn’t remember. I am 100% certain I didn’t do it, so that only leaves him.
And it isn’t a big deal. It doesn’t really matter at all. But I felt irrationally angry at his denial.
So, I am thinking about what my anxiety is REALLY about.
My daughter moving out of the country soon.
School starting in a few weeks. We are sending our kids to a new school this fall.
My sweet dog has a vet appointment to be spayed coming up. Surgeries scare the shit out of me.
Then, there is the relationship, or lack of, with my mother. Realizing she KNOWS she missed my boys birthdays, yet makes excuses and will not apologize on her own. She won’t call, since she knows she made a mistake. She will literally die never speaking to me again, rather than admit she was wrong. If I want any relationship, I have to suck it up and call her. And I am SO TIRED of playing these games with her.
Then, the crazy things that I think daily, due to anxiety…
Will there be an accident today? Will a kid get hurt today? Broken bones? Stitches? Death? Do any of us have undiagnosed diseases, like cancer?
My brain thinks in worst case scenarios.
Anxiety, I loathe you.