My therapy nightmare

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So, a few posts ago, I mentioned therapy. This summer has been hard with my middle RAD son. Prior to our appointment my husband called asking for one sooner, and we were tokd we had to wait the 3 weeks because nothing was available. He had explained we were at a crossroads, potentially even going to live apart. Still, we had to wait.

Luckily, in those 3 weeks we found an affordible childcare option to help give me a break from the constant supervision middle needs at home. Middle and hubby did leave home for a few days while we found these solutions, as I was completely overwhelmed.

Because of his pet aggression, and his mean behavior, he is now supervised constantly. If one of us can’t be watching him, he must be in his room with the door closed doing an activity. It isn’t ideal, but we must keep everyone safe.

When I walked into therapy, one of the first things she suggested was disrupting the adoption. She said if I am unable to learn to attach to middle, and he to me, it is unfair to continue.

I told her we would not do that. Worst case scenario is our family would live apart if needed. Of course, this is also not ideal, but adoption is forever.

I did acknowledge some of what I have said here. I believe thensystem set us up to fail refusing therapy and diagnosis early on. He would have been much better placed in an only child environment. I admit having a hard time attaching to him. He is so defiant and mean. I love him, but often don’t like him.

I felt very blamed in this session. I didn’t create this mess. I come there to learn how to manage it. And I felt blamed instead if helped.

I need to find a new therapist. But I already drive an hour one way for this one!!

The hopeless feeling is real.

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The lies and dysfunction

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I recently learned my mom had been asking my daughter to keep things from me. Specifically, I wasn’t supposed to know my brother’s wife was pregnant again.

The reason? They don’t want his ex-wife (who he shares 2 other kids with) to know about this second baby with this wife.

This means hid older kids, both teens, have been sworn to secrecy about a new sibling too.

They have been divorced over 10 years. She has been married to another guy for a long time and has 2 more kids with him. Trust me, she doesn’t care if his wife had another baby.

But, the drama that is my family dictates otherwise. Everything must include drama. And they wonder why I keep my distance?

I wouldn’t really care, except I don’t want my daughter put in a position where she is asked to keep secrets or lie to me.

While talking about it, my daughter also said my mother had told her my husband cheats on me.

Years ago, my mom tried to convince me this was true. She later admitted she made it up. She would deny it now, that she made it up. In front of other people, she will cling to her lie. But that she would include our child in this storytelling, casting doubt on our family stability?! Unacceptable.

I confronted her. She claimed she hadn’t done anything wrong. She tried a guilt trip, saying she was sorry my “favorite parent was dead.” She taught us our whole lives to hate our father, and put herself on a pedestal. So, this statement is one motivated by guilt on her part, hoping I will feel bad for her. Doesn’t work that way crazy lady. She said she was done with me because I am the dramatic one. HA!

Either way, a reminder (not that I need one) that family isn’t DNA, but is those who show you love and treat you as family.

Tired of lies and dysfunction.

Therapy day

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It is therapy day. The first in almost 2 mos. My husband called 3 weeks ago, begging to get an emergency session when we were considering spkitting due to middle’s pet aggression and constant tantrums…but we were told they were unavailable until this appointment.

To say I have little faith in this therapy is an understatement. I keep searching, but middle has state insurance as a secondary insurance (we do have a primary, but because they have a secondary everything gets pushed to them) few places will accept the insurance.

I feel stuck.

With little help, it is hard to move forward. Another way the system is failing those of us who adopt through foster care.

We need adequate therapy, and outlets to help us.

I have little faith that today will provide any help. I don’t believe this therapist “gets it.”

She compares my son to her “distracted” daughter who can be “challenging.”

My son has RAD. This isn’t comparable, I promise.

Wish me luck blog friends.

Empath

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Have you ever been told your personality type is an empath? Someone said this to me and it is so true.

I carry the weight of everyone else’s problems, trying to help even if it is to my own detriment.

I always try to spare feelings if I can. An good example is I paid over $100 to get highlights in my hair. When I saw them, they were NOT the color I asked for. But, I thanked her, tipped her, and never told anyone I hated it.

I also have issues with medication side effects. I am told people who fall in the empath category usually do. I am on my 4th attempt at a daily pill for my anxiety. One week in, and I am not sure I will make it. But I will try to give it a fair shot. The first 3 had too many side effects.

The way I have lived my life certainly points toward being an empath. Foster care, surrogacy, open adoption…caring for orphaned animals…yup, I am an empath.

No wonder my anxiety is so bad.

Playdate disasters

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I took my youngest to meet his best friend from school on a playdate. Sounds great, right?

Well, the other kid showed up with his mom and younger sister (cool…but wait for it…), and the sister was bald.

Now, we had seen this family last month, and little sister had hair. So…what happened.

I was really hoping to hear, “oh, I had to shave her head because she decided to cut her own hair and it was so bad this was the only option.” Because, the only other thing I could think of would be lice.

It went unmentioned for nearly an hour. I was dying. And then, finally, the mom says it…”yeah, I had to shave her head because she got lice and I couldn’t get them all after a few tries.”

Omfg. Please, feel free to cancel the playdate with my son, who has a beautiful head of curls he is finally proud of, if you are struggling with lice.

Then, “we only found one in my hair,” mom says, “so I think I am ok.” You think?? That just isn’t good enough. No mention of her son, hugging my son as we speak…

So of course I try to be polite, with a smile stretched acrossed my face. This could happen to anyone, and I get that. But why expose more people until you are CERTAIN this cycle of lice has ended?

We went home, where I promptly showered my son, scrubbing his head with a lice preventative shampoo we use regularly to prevent this situation. All the while I am itching like crazy just THINKING about the little bastards invading my hair. I literally made my head sore. Then, I shampooed too, for safety.

So far, I think we escaped without them…but still annoyed.

Please, cancel if necessary!!

The calm after the storm

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Things here have calmed. A bit anyway.

With middle going to the daycare during the day things are easier. We all have a break from chaos.

Having to supervise him constantly with our pets is exhausting and he is getting more and more angry about having to be in his room when we are busy doing things like cooking, etc.

He continues to show us these rules are necessary though.

My teen daughter commented on how much more relaxed the house is since he started daycare. No yelling. Little is happier and more himself. Everyone feels more relaxed and cheerful.

As a mom, that is a hard thing. I hate that one of the kids makes the house total chaos and everyone feels anxious around him. But, it is reality.

I am coming to realize we will need to utilize things like daycare to not burn out, and to keep our heads above water.

Set up to fail

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So, I use this blog almost as a diary. Welcome to my thoughts…

I have been thinking about all things middle child, wondering why this has been so hard.

I realize we were set up to fail by a very flawed system.

Middle would have thrived in an only child household. I believe this. We have 3 kids. It is impossible for us to oarent the others “normally” but parent him in an emotionless way that his RAD dictates wr must.

Many details of his trauma were withheald from us. We were 6 mos in before we knew he had been born addicted to drugs. We were years in before we were told they suspected his birth mom has mental health issues. 

We were denied counseling for him. We asked, when behaviors were getting harder and harder. We were told it may hurt the case.

We were told his case would be easy. The worker thought we couldhave a finalized adoption in as little as 9 mos. His case was actually a 3.5 yr battle, where at one point they asked us to consider guardianship to get it off the caseload. 

Because of the RAD behavior, and due to the uncertainty of the case, I think a wall was built between us. He won’t accept me because of RAD. I became scared of the timeline and uncertainty, and failed to fight back against RAD with all my power. 

And…here we are.

I know isn’t because he wasn’t a baby when he arrived. I have connected with many older kids, and felt my heart break when they left me. A loss so traumatic it is hard to breath when I think of them.

I wish middle would have been with me as a baby though…I know he woukd be different, better, never having been neglected, and all the ways his development was affected by that.

But…I do believe we were set up to fail. When I questioned the behaviors, asked for counseling, etc,  we were not given help. Workers should have recognized the situation, shoukd have seen my exhaustion and known the fit wasn’t right.

But, now it doesn’t matter. Now, we are responsible. We must figure out how to keep our sanity, marriage, pets and other kids safe. How to muddle through our exhaustion…without giving up.

Working hard

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Working hard on trying to find solutions. We found an inexpensive daycare option in a nearby town that will be only slightly out of the way for drop off and pick up for my husband on his work commute.

Of course, middle feels elated, thinking it is a great reward for his shitty behavior, a daycare with kids and games. And no me to deal with.

Middle is making younger feel like he is being left out of great fun. So now little wishes he could also go.

Epic fail.

We are trying to salvage this, make it work. Yet, this morning while I exercised, kids were left unsupervised when hubby went outside. The rule if I am keeping my pets is that middle is never unsupervised around animals. So…rather than admit a mistake, he got defensive and yelled at me. Win for middle…pitting us against each other, and seeing us fight.

I want this to work. But it feels so fucking hard.

It is fucking exhausting.

Saw the doctor and am trying something new for anxiety. Attempt number 4, as the first 3 had side effects I couldn’t deal with.

Let’s pray these meds can calm me.

Tired of constant worry and anger.

Plus, I notice the more stressed I am the more my misophonia bothers me.

Exausted.

Temporary or not

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Hubby and middle are staying in tje yard in the camper. It has been 2 nights, and hubby is already crabby about it.

He has been apologetic. He is taking some responsibility for the situation.

All real conversation occurs via text or messages. So face to face is awkward unimportant small talk. Feels like pulling teeth. Like chatting with a stranger in a long line. 

He wants this to be temporary…the separation. I do too. Not sure how to make it work.

Squeaks and groans

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It is early morning. Sunday. Everyone is asleep…except me and middle. 

I woke to let out my dog, who had to pee early since she is on my hubby’s weekly schedule, so the fact that it is Sunday and nobody is up early doesn’t mean anything.

I am sitting in a silent house. At least, I was. 

Middle has awakened. Again, it is early. The house is silent. In an effort to wake someone so he can get out of bed, he makes noises. He squeaks, he moans, he scratches the walls. He drives me fucking nuts. He has no idea I am awake already. I can watch him on the video monitor we have. He will deny all the noise, because that is what he does.

If I were to open his door, the day is ruined. He knows his dad is home. So, he expects dad to “wake” him. If I do it, immediate anger (thanks to RAD). Truth is I don’t want to let him out. His noises have me irritated, and I won’t be nice. 

It is this way most weekends. Although, it is worse when the noises actually wake me. I can live with an early wake up from my dog to pee. I cannot deal with howling like a wolf, or repeated squeaks from a child. 

Hope your Sunday is better than mine will be!