Nothing has changed, yet

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So, there is an elephant in the room. My husband and I have begun avoiding talking about what we can do to fix this situation. We are both overwhelmed.

Currently, my husband is 100% against pets leaving. I don’t want them to go either.

I am against another house. If we can afford another house, it will be near Disney world! Not in this town! 

I do think living apart would help my sanity. I just worry how it would affect my marriage. 

So, for now, if I can’t have eyes directly on middle, he must be in a bedroom with the door closed. Many told me to seclude my pets. Well, instead, I find it easier to seclude the kid. I am not locking my animals in a room.

Middle hasn’t learned any lesson yet. Yesterday, he jumped over the dog, startling her and almost hurting them both. He also tried to talk little into scaring the cat, saying he had a good plan. Ugh.

He is exhausting. I have had a migraine the last 2 days. Truth is, I shouldn’t be looking at the screen right now to type this, but it helps to vent.

Should I stay, or should I go?

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I see all these internet memes anout how parenting is hard. How it is ok to have bad days, as long as you don’t give up.

Well, what if I do give up? 

What if I said years ago, this placement was all wrong. What if I said I knew I couldn’t handle these particular behaviors? What if I knew my limits, and begged for a way out before it was too late.

This happened. Prior to adoption of my middle, these conversations happened with my husband. Only, he didn’t feel the same way. He isn’t middles target person. He doesn’t get all the constant battles I do. Plus, he goes to work, while I am home. 

It became a choice for me. Keep my marriage, and keep trying with middle…or end my marriage and walk away.

I love my husband. When I imagine my future, it is with him. We have been together for a long, long time. We have made it through some challenging things. 

I chose to keep trying, hoping it would get easier. But, it hasn’t gotten easier. Instead, middle gets older, and behaviors are that much harder to manage.

Now, I am just miserable. My marriage is strong. Our only disagreements are over middle, and how to handle him.

With recent aggression towards my pets, I have had to consider losing all my animals for everyone’s safety. My husband knows I would never be happy with that situation. He has offered to live apart, yet still be together. 

I don’t think this would work long term. If I did, I would jump at the chance. But it won’t. 

Middle is making us all miserable. He is defiant to an extreme. He takes no responsibility for his actions. Because of his issues, consequences don’t really phase him. I can remove a privilege and he doesn’t care. He is happy to do absolutely nothing rather than follow a direction I give him. He would rather stand and stare than play happily, if that is what I want him to do. Not kidding. This is reality.

Because of little’s genetics, I worry about the chaos in our home caused by middle. Little is super sweet, and very sensitive. Middle preys on his sensitivity, and is most often mean to him. Sometimes physically aggressive as well. 

Middle must be supervised all the time. This is pretty much impossible. But I try. 

I am exhausted. I am tired of feeling angry and attacked. I am tired of worrying. I am tired of judgement. I am just tired…

I am seriously considering living apart. I know it will likely kill my marriage. But, I feel he made the choice when he didn’t hear my concerns early in the situation. He decided when I was given the ultimatum of trying or leaving. 

I tried. So hard. But maybe I am a shitty parent if I have to give up to save myself. Maybe I shouldn’t have tried. I should have listened to myself, knowing my limits, and walked earlier. But I don’t truly WANT to give up. I just feel so broken it is hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel. Life is hard. It shouldn’t be this hard.

Now, we are all…family. For better or worse, we are. And now, little is hurt, either way. Either he lives in chaos and anxiety, or family is divided. Middle is hurt, because another person gives up. And any harsh judgments cannot possibly make me feel worse about myself, trust me. My marriage suffers, and who knows if it can survive, no matter what we do. 

It seems there is no right answer here. 

Depression and anxiety are so real right now.

And, because nobody understands our journey, I have literally nobody I can call and talk it out with. Most of my othet mom friends couldn’t deal with middle and his behaviors. They faded away. 

How do I make this work? How do I fix this? I do WANT it fixed.

I know I sound harsh with what I say about middle. I do love him, or I wouldn’t have tried. It is just hard to like him, and that is difficult to admit. Rather than bring me joy, he often brings me pain. It doesn’t mean I don’t love him. It just means it is harder than with my others.

So long, farewell

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I am fairly certain I will have to get rid of my pets. My middle keeps showing aggression toward them. Hitting, chasing, threatening, throwing things at them. 

I have never lived without pets. I love my pets. Truly. They bring me happiness and security. They are that constant, unconditional love on a bad day.

Yet, I don’t want them provoked to behave aggressively. I don’t want middle bitten, resulting in a dog being forcefully put down, especially when they don’t deserve it.

I know…supervise. Well, no matter how you try, you can’t supervise constantly. At some point, you gotta pee, or shower. Or just look somewhere else for a moment and then shit goes wrong.

Middle hurts anything I love. Thanks RAD. He is aggressive to little often too.

Not only am I thinking I may need to rehome pets for safety, I wonder if we need to split the family up too.

Oldest goes to college soon…so she won’t be affected much.

But, maybe living apart would be best.

I don’t even know who I am anymore. I am a constant angry mess. It is exhausting.

My husband and I only argue about middle. He is destroying our family. 

I am becoming so depressed I don’t know what to do. 

What IS that?

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So, today I found a strange, hard lump on my back. It’s midback, slightly left of my spine. It is big, and hard. Strange.

I had my husband feel it. Initially, he rolled his eyes at me. Typically, I will say, “feel this…” and his calloused man-hands feel nothing. Today, he sort of gasped and said, “whoa, when did you notice this?” I am not sure how long it has been there, but I found it this morning. “You should have that checked out,” he said.

Oh shit. He never wants is to go to the doctor. Dedictibles, etc…suck. We do go when needed, but usually this sort of thing, I thought, would prompt a “wait and see what happens…” response.

So, now I feel worried.

Truthfully, my brother woke with a lump one day. It just appeared, on his neck. That week, he was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. So…lumps have had a bad reputation for showing up randomly and causing serious chaos.

So, hearing my husband’s concern has my already overactive imagination freaking the fuck out.

So…after the 4th of July holiday, I suppose I will see the doctor. Dang it.

Resentment

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It’s hard days like today when I resent my husband. 

Prior to legally adopting middle, I voiced concerns over his behavioral issues. I felt they were too much for me to handle. His RAD is directed at me, and is difficult. He is aggressive sometimes, and over time it has been directed at me, animals, and his younger brother. I worry about the future, and when he is bigger in size, and whether behavior will escalate.

I said I didn’t think I could do it. I was (and am) overwhelmed. 

He told me then that it was him, or our marriage. If I said I couldn’t do it…our marriage would end. I get it. He felt a bond I wasn’t able to quite form (damn RAD). 

I chose to try. My marriage is everything. 

Days like today…hard days, I resent it…the ultimatum.

Some days are just too hard.

I know my own faults. I know I am also partially to blame. I know these challenges are hard for me.

Yet, I won’t quit. I think about it sometimes. But, this is where I belong. As hard as it is…I chose it.

Just breathe…

Hours wasted

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He did it again…hit the dog.

He hates writing, so that is a consequence for bad behavior. He has been sitting for nearly 2 hours, refusing to write a single sentence. He thinks he can “win.”

He will sit until he does it. If bedtime comes, then tomorrow he sits. He made the bad choice, he will suffer the consequence.

The yelling, screaming, whining is almost too much. I turn up the tv louder, to drown it out.

Waste of everyone’s time, this defiance. 

It is hard…

Vandalism

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There was a recent vandalism incident in a nearby area. The incident included a reference to Trump, and was racist in nature. 

It makes me so angry.

I am tired of people who deny Trump is part of the problem. I am tired of people who voted for him and think he has nothing to do with this type of crime.

Trump is openly racist. He is a bully. He brags about assaulting woman.  He is spreading hate and violence. His whole campaign, he spread hate and violence. So when hate and violence happens and his name is cited, why is it dismissed? Why is it denied he is involved? He may not be directly involved…he didn’t commit the destruction himself. But, he did advocate for hate. And, he is in a position of power.

When you are in a position of power, you have a responsibility to be a role model. Trump is no such thing.

And to his supporters, his voters…I do think you are part of the problem. If you claim to not share his views, but still support him, you support his message. Unacceptable. 

So embarrassed for what is happening in our country.

So scared for how far back this has taken us in terms of equality.

So sad that people still promote hatred.

I hope those feeling targeted know the majority of us don’t feel this way…

Animal cruelty 

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If you follow my blog, you know animals are important to me. I try to rescue orphaned babies,  and own several pets. I am also petsitting a friend’s animal right now.

If you have followed for a while,  you might remember my middle son trying to kill my cat. His methods would not hurt her, but he he was clear that his intentions were to kill her. 

I have also had to worn him about hitting or kicking my dogs. I have been clear he could be bitten. I have also explained tje dogs could be put down (explaining this means killed) should he be bitten.

Today, again, he chased my dog trying to hit her, LAUGHING as he did so.

I reacted. I screamed and yelled. I grabbed him and carried him to his room. I told him he had to write as punishment (he jates writing). I wanted to spank his butt…but didn’t. When I was a kid, this worked for my parents. This doesn’t work for him. He doesn’t care. 

He knows what he did is wrong. He just doesn’t care. He knows the consequences, but does it anyway.

He wasn’t “unsupervised.” I was cooking in the kitchen. I heard it and was there immediately.

I don’t know what to do. Some day, he will be hurt. We will be blamed.

But, it is him…he is…mean. 

He experienced trauma. Yet…is it really an excuse? At this point, I am struggling. 

I can make jokes, but YOU cannot

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My daughter recently started dating (thank God, I have been waiting for this!). We are a laid back, teasing sort of family. We joke about things, including saying things like, “Don’t get pregnant tonight” as she leaves for a movie or night out. We joke because we have trust. We have a good relationship, that has open communication. 

What I don’t appreciate, is other parents making comments about not letting the kids alone together because they worry my daughter will get pregnant. Wait…what?! They think it is ok to place these judgements on my child? What gives them the right to make assumptions on what she is or isn’t doing? Oh…is ot her large chest? That MUST mean she is sexually active, right? No matter how she tries to cover them up (to my dismay…be proud of your body, not ashamed)…people jidge her character.

I can make jokes…I am not being malicious or judging her. Those who aren’t me…kindly keep your comments to yourselves. You know what they say about those who assume…

At almost 18 yrs old, she has proven she is able to make good choices. Should she choose to have sex (which is not yet the case), she shouldn’t be shamed or assumed irresponsible. I am confident she will make responsible choices.

All those who aren’t so sure…worry about your own lives. STFU.