Sorry, not sorry

Tags

marriage, motherhood, sahm

My youngest goes to school for half the day. At first, I had a big plan to be a better housewife and get things done while he was gone. But, that just isnt happening.

I try to save my exercise for when he is at school. So I typically do that after I drop him off. This also means a quick shower. By this time I feel my afternoon slipping away. I dont want to use it all on housework.

Some days, I will sweep or vacuum. 

But more often than not, I find myself catching up on netflix shows that only interest me, not my hubby.

And, why not?

At first, I felt guilty. Then, I remembered the last 7 years of me giving him hours for homework, school, etc. I deserve some time too.

If that time is watching netflix, or painting, or crafting, or reading… whatever it is besides housework, I’ve earned it. 

So, no. I am not sorry. 

Horrible parenting moments

Tags

motherhood, parenting

That moment when you put your 4 yr old son in the bathtub, to realize a moment later your guts are rumbling. Oh yes, it’s going to happen…and its gonna happen quickly. 

Do I risk leaving him in the tub and running to the other bathroom? But that isnt safe!! What if he drowns?? But he is 4 yrs old!! The water is only up to his belly button… but that is technically still enough to be dangerous. Anything can happen. 

I cant leave him. 

I do what I must… I calmly tell him mommy has a belly ache and needs to make a poopy right now. I ask him to be a big boy, and leave the curtain closed for privacy, and apologize profusely.

And, now I pray he doesnt go to school and tell his class his mommy had “water poop” while he was in the tub. 

Sometimes, being a mom is hard. Today, I am thankful for a dark colored shower curtain, and a good 4 yr old who follows directions.  

The terrible election

Tags

election2016, marriage, motherhood, presidential election

I fear many of my husbands family will vote Republican, since they just always have. This year, we all know that means they will vote for a very racist, horrible, admitted sexual predator Donald Trump.

This year, the election feels very personal. While I don’t particularly love either candidate, I do find one more appalling than the other.

I am raising a racially mixed family. I am a victim of sexual assault. I am personally offended by Trump.

If my husbands family votes for him, I don’t know how to accept that. How can I really believe they don’t view my family or children as “less than.” How can I believe they don’t believe the crazy things this man says? I just don’t think I can. 

I truly liked these family members…but I find myself wanting to avoid them now.

I feel bad or my husband, cuz I know he will feel caught in the middle. But this is about morals and values! 

Topamax

Tags

headaches, migraines, motherhood

I’ve begun a daily med for migraines again…all in the hopes of making my way back to botox.

Years ago I took topamax…all day I took a few other things go with it. A headache prevention cocktail if you will…

It never really worked. Headaches always came. The only cure I’ve found is botox.

Unfortunately, once I found dead the cure, I was cured, so botox stopped…and after a few years, headaches came back. Now, I need to prove I need botox back. So, back to crappy daily meds.  

Dog breeding 101

Tags

animals, breeding, motherhood, pets, rescue

I desperately want to breed my dog. I’m not the girl who wants to run some puppy mill and make a bunch of money from puppies. In fact, I’m a huge advocate for rescues and humane societies. Yet…I want to breed her.

As a kid, we had a few litters of pups. It was such an amazing experience for me. I want that for my kids. 

I did just take in the bottle fed baby kittens, and grow them until they could find homes. And that was also amazing. And I would love to do that again too.

I feel like these things are so miraculous. And I really love animals.

I hope in the future to be part of an animal rescue, to foster pets and help them find homes.

Inconsiderate people

Tags

motherhood, racism, Trump's influence

As I walked through my children’s school, I saw art and stories from students on the wall. I pushed to look through some by my middle son’s grade. It was a writing assignment that began, “if I were president…”

His teacher saw me reading. She said to me with a giggle and smile, “ya know, a kid wrote if he were president he’d build a wall and send all the Mexicans to Mexico.” She has a SMILE on her face. Why on earth she felt compelled to say this to me I don’t know. But I replied, “ya know, my son cried at the dinner table the other day, cuz he says being Mexican is bad. So, now I know that kids are carrying Trump’s hate on at school.”

Her smile faded. I think she realized how offensive it was to repeat the students writing…especially to the mother of a Mexican child.

I will never understand people. 

Daith piercing for migraines

Tags

migraines, motherhood, piercing

So a few nights ago I went with my daughter and her friend to get the daith piercing for migraines.

I’m not new to piercing. I’ve got my lip pierced, as well as my tongue, and ear lobes. I have had my navel done in the past, but no longer keep jewelry in it. 

This was my first cartilage piercing.

Both girls had a smooth piercing. My turn was not as smooth. The needle didn’t go thru in one motion…it stopped, and further effort was needed to finish. That sucks. It makes me concerned for healing and possible infection or rejection.

I’ve also had swollen lymph nodes since I got it done, and a sore throat. I’m not sure if it’s connected or not.

My headaches have not magically gone away as I’d hoped either. Feeling bummed, but will hold out some optimism until it’s healed.

Therapy

Tags

foster care adoption, motherhood, parenting, special needs, therapy

We recently started therapy for our middle son.

I do enough research on my own to help me understand his issues that I haven’t really learned anything “new” in therapy yet.

However, I find it valuable just to have that validation from someone else about what is going on, and how it makes the rest of us feel. Also, the understanding from another person about how others just do NOT get it.

Validation…it’s worth it.

Not to say I’m not getting anything else from this… I think my son is responding to what he is hearing too…he also feels some validation and is learning some skills. 

I also think he will be getting some more diagnoses before we are finished, which will help us all in the future.

Matching

Tags

foster care adoption, motherhood, relationships

Recently, I was chatting with my mom about a family we know. A divorced couple who share 5 kids, and the girl went on to have a 6th child with her new boyfriend.

We’ve know the family a long time. The father of the first 5 is Filipino. The father of the 6th is Latino. 

My mom, in her off handed way, said to me “at least they will all be dark and match.”

This actually came out of her mouth. To me, her daughter who is raising 3 kids who DO NOT match. 

I quickly hung up…choosing to disconnect rather than engage in her flippant ignorant comment.

“At least they all match…”

It angers me. It saddens me. It hurts me.

Would my family be more…acceptable… if we all matched? 

Would we be more beautiful? Easier to deal with?

I’m not sure what the comment was supposed to mean, or why she made it. But, it hurt me. 

My family…my kids…we are different. We don’t match. But we are also different in that we don’t care. We don’t see our differences, rather we see ourselves as any other family. 

Comments like this make me realize others see us differently sometimes. Another thing I sit in denial about…that we are different. I hate when I’m reminded. 

I especially hate when someone who is supposed to have my back and love us unconditionally reminds me. It doesn’t feel like that relationship is genuine when things like this are said.

Lies

Tags

foster care adoption, motherhood, parenting

I would love to know what provokes my middle kid to lie to my face, over and over. I can LITERALLY watch him do something, and he will stare me right in the eyes and lie. This makes me beyond furious.

I believe he has ODD (oppositional defiance disorder). So far, he’s diagnosed DMDD (disruptive mood disregulation disorder) and ADHD. I also think he has RAD (reactive attachment disorder).

I have a hard time with the lying. Not sure how to deal with this…at all.