I don’t know how to enjoy him. He is mean. He is a bully. He breaks every rule he is given. He destroys things to upset others. He is impulsive. He is constantly moving. He is constantly making noise. It never ends.
He is 8. He has been here since age 2. Just before age 6, we legally adopted him. I knew then I was struggling. I wanted to do the “right” thing. But, did I?
I love him. I want him to succeed. In the rare moments he accepts me, his beautiful eyes melt my soul. But, these moments are rare.
I fear he is destined to be a criminal. He just does NOT listen. He understands consequences, but doesn’t seem to care. I feel some hope that when he truly injures someone he shows remorse. But, only when he physically hurts someone. Otherwise, he will never sincerely apologize or seem to care.
He will destroy his siblings favorite toy, and smile. He will hear me ask him to stop a behavior, stare me down, and continue it with a smirk.
He suffers from ADHD, DMDD, and RAD.
I can read all there is to offer and understand why he is how he is. I can understand what I am supposed to do…but it feels impossible.
I feel like a bully myself oftentimes, having to be constantly scolding and constantly correcting. But, if we ignore a behavior, he escalates. We have to address every little thing.
I don’t want to be this kind of parent.
And with my other kids, life is easy. So, I know I can do this under normal circumstances.
These circumstances aren’t “normal.” He doesn’t accept me. And, truth is…I am tired. I am tired of fighting. Tired of trying.
I am becoming that resentful person, cou ting the years and months until he is an adult.
And, I hate myself for feeling this way. I feel like a horrible person. I feel like I don’t deserve to be a parent. Even though I am doing a good job with the others.
Some days, I don’t know what to do.